50 Days to Finding More of God

So I am the world's worst blog keeper! I set out every time I write thinking I am going to be consistent - ha...needless to say consistent ISN'T my middle name! More like spastic, sporadic I think. Oh well. After 50 years "I y'am what I y'am!"

So here I go again!

I thought it would be interesting to journal my upcoming journey - which isn't that what a journal is- but a documentation of our journey. The root word is from the French word for "day" - jour. I'll let you ponder that on your own without getting all philosophical on you! But back to my journey...

I leave in 49 days, or 48 depending how you count it for a(nother) trip of a lifetime - Iona Scotland. For someone who doesn't really consider herself a world traveler I have to say I am slowly but surely finding my way around this amazing planet. 

I had never heard of Iona before I started seminary in 2010. That spring one of the classes I would need to graduate was being held in Iona, Scotland - but I wasn't at the point in life or coursework where I could go. Since the professor only teaches that class every other year and only goes to Iona every other time she teaches it that meant I was out of luck. I took the class on the off year she didn't take the class to Iona -  so we met at the undergrad campus of Pfeiffer University in thriving Misenheimer NC. If you have never been to Misenheimer  -  well, don't blink. But it was a lovely two weekend experience and I did find some great things there. Like my dear soul friend Roxane and the Holy Spirit...

Needless to say I was a bit disappointed I wasn't going to be going to Iona - I mean my roots are from Scotland! 'Tis me homeland! My dad even found our clan there and joined their, uhm, club? (more of that in a later post) But, alas lassie - as the tides would turn an opportunity to take this pilgrimage of sorts came in the form of my spiritual direction practicum and acting as a Spiritual Director Assistant to my dear professor on this year's class back to Iona! She asked me before I had even graduated last summer if I would consider it. How long do you think I had to think about it - exactly!

So now it is finally here...and like the way God usually works in my life the timing is impeccable. (Although I am sure my daughters would not necessarily agree...) But as it is, I am at a place where I long to find a deeper relationship with God. To become more in tune with the promptings of the Holy Spirit. And maybe it's just me, but I struggle in the day-to-day life just to be and do the basics. I am so easily distracted. I long to be that contemplative soul who finds profound realizations  - but that just doesn't happen in my chaotic, crazy, inconsistent life. Thankfully God has brought some souls of that sort into my life lately. (more on that later, too)

So journey with me to this Thin Place  - a place where heaven meets earth. I'll share with you more about Iona and what makes it special. I'll share with you what I hear and see - besides lots of sheep as I am told! 

Much of the actual journey there will be on my own - something I haven't done much of - travel solo. And not only is it a long flight over, but I will literally be on a train, a bus and a ferry or two! And even though they speak English, as a dear friend who has been there informed me (We got a huge laugh out of that!), you can't always understand them with their dialect and accent. I mean I know I will sound completely normal of course...

Thankful

So three days ago I read a friend's blog about being thankful and keeping a journal. The same day I  read a devotional that also talked about keeping a thankful journal. I told my blogging friend I got the message yet I didn't begin my journal. So, I've been in this mode of regretting what I haven't done or considering and planning for what I INTEND to do and tonight after this amazing evening with my friend whose blog first inspired me and another friend who has been inspiring me for years...two amazing women...(my husband just called the three of us the God Squad!)...I realized I just needed to start! (Sorry for that incredibly run on sentence!)
But seriously...just start! Don't regret what I didn't do and don't continue to anticipate what I'm going to do...JUST DO IT!
So here it is...my first entry of my thankful list!
1) My amazing women friends
2) My wonderful and patient husband
3) My clean bathroom
4) Red wine
5) Warm days after days of bitter cold...this southern girl does not like winter.
Bam. I did it. 

The Countdown to...

So, I am the most pathetic blogger. Probably not in the history of blogging, but I am pretty lame. I really did have great intentions, but we all know what they say about good intentions...

So I am going to try once again! And this time I am really motivated! (cough,cough) But seriously. I. Am. I have those negative thoughts that no one really cares what I have to say, why would ANYONE want to read my silly blog posts. But then I realize that I do have something to say - and if no one wants to read it - that's okay. Maybe if nothing else my daughters will read them when they are grown and realize that their mother was as kooky as they thought! It might even save them some money on counseling!

Okay - all kidding aside. I do want to share my journey. My story. Because what I have learned in the past however many years  - I'd say at least throughout my 40's  - is that you just never know who might learn something from an experience you have had or someone might just need to know they aren't alone in the situation. So, maybe my words will help someone. Or make them laugh. Or even cry. But at least they will know they are not alone.

My current "life situation" is pretty easy to sum up! 

In two months I'm turning FIFTY! Yep, the BIG 5-0!! I know, right!? How can that be! I swear I just turned 40 a few minutes ago! Really, I did! (insert screeching tire sound here!)
Obviously it's been a little longer than that, but none the less...

So here is the deal HUMANS (my new favorite way to address the masses - all 2 of you reading this - which I am stealing from actor Tim Daly who is the hot, theologian husband on my new favorite show Madame Secretary), I am not exactly where I hoped and dreamed I would be as I approach 50. It's like this - I am out of shape, I am not as healthy as I would like to be, I am not serving where I truly believe God has called me to serve. I have become complacent, discouraged and even apathetic! This is not a good place for a Seven to be.  I have an amazing husband and two incredible daughters and that is more than I deserve - but I know I can be more and do more!
So today I begin a journey - to wholeness, to living wholeheartedly, to getting into shape and most important of all - to seeking to follow God's will for my life no matter how unequipped or inadequate I might believe I am - because I know God equips the called. 
I won't likely post every day - but I will attempt to share my journey. I will be looking for a new perspective. Continuing on the path to being bold and courageous. Seeking to live a life worthy of the blessings.
Join me as I enter the fifth decade of my life  - Fabulous at 50! That's my new mantra!

Really, Dude?

So I know...I am the Biggest. Blog. Slacker. Ever. But I haven't been inspired lately. And honestly, I'm not feeling inspired now either. But something compelled me to write about the past 36 hours - give or take a few hours on one end or the other.

Wednesday was one of those days that I would like to erase out of the history books. Just press DELETE and move on. But it was also one of those days when much of what "went down" is going to have a lasting effect on one way or another. And quite frankly folks - IT SUCKED! I know that isn't nice church lady language but there just isn't another word that sums it up quite like that one does!

Here is a synopsis of the day: Bad EOG (end of grade standardized tests) proctoring experience, difficult conversation at lunch, my friend from California had to cancel her trip here, my youngest daughter didn't make the cheer team, bad health news from a very close family member, more bad news from one of my mission friends. And the worst part of the day (insert sarcasm here folks!) was I couldn't find non-scented candles for my friend doing the Pentecost altar-scape in the colors she wanted! Anyway  - it was a bummer of a day if you get my drift. One of those days when I found myself saying, "Really God?"

We all have those days. Then today I met a new friend and as we were sharing things about ourselves and I was (still) kvetching (I love that word and how it is spelled!) about my day yesterday, she told me that when she has those days, weeks....whatever the time frame of the STUFF we go through, that she calls God "Dude!" Now I have been a regular user of the word "dude" for years now. Just ask my kids! But this was like the Holy Grail to me for some reason! And I know - some of you out there are going to get all holier than thou and think I am being disrespectful to God and so on...but hear me out! Or not - it doesn't bother me if you tune out! But...here is the thing - I consider God my friend. He hears all the yucky stuff anyway so being able to say "Really Dude?" somehow makes it more personal to me. Like God might really perk His ears up and hear me. That it will somehow help ME get the point across a little clearer that I am NOT happy about the current state of affairs!

I know - it seems sort of silly. But I like it! And tonight as my still heart-broken daughter headed upstairs berating herself and her shortcomings I could only raise my hands to my loving Father and say, "Really Dude?" And then I giggled - which made me feel slightly better...and gave me a new perspective on the happenings of the past two days.

What really cracked me up was as I was leaving my lunch date with my new friend I walked past a car and saw this...

Now what are the odds of that? I didn't have any idea what this bumper sticker was actually all about until about two minutes ago when I was googling the word ABIDE and found that it is a common quote from the movie The Big Lebowski. (Guess I'll have to watch that one now!) Since I don't believe in coincidences I know this was stuck there for me to see! And yes, THE DUDE DOES ABIDE! My favorite use of the word abide, as I was googling, was "to remain; continue; stay"  - yep, that about sums it up. Even when the chips are down and the day needs to be deleted, DUDE ABIDES! God is there for me. He is right there - ready to carry me through the stuff, ready to guide me through the carnage, ready to bring new friends into my life who unknowingly offer just a tidbit of hope and humor by being willing to share something personal to them. 

So as I sift through the events and news of the past two days (and months if I am really being honest here) I can look up and say "Really Dude?" and know that My Dude Abides. He is right there when I need Him the most - and even brings a smile to my face through His amazing sense of humor! 

An End and a Beginning

Today was the first day of Spring. It mostly felt like it - at least if you could dodge the wind and soak up the sunshine it felt like it. 

Spring is the time of new birth, rebirth, starting over...and for us Christians a time to look forward to the resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ. For me today was not only a beginning but an end. 

I have spent the last four years slowly but surely working toward attaining my graduate degree in Practical Theology. I started this journey in the fall of 2010...after a year and a half of really hard stuff in my life. I'll sum it up quickly for you:
2008 - Financial/real estate industry crashed, had to sell my dream house, my marriage began to unravel, I went back to work full-time after 10 years as a stay-at-home mom
2009 - My now ex-husband and I separated and my dear grandmother died all within 6 weeks (during the spring I might add)
2010 - My father died (spring also)

Good things happened in the midst of all that craziness as well - but that time was intense and I sometimes wonder how I survived it all - but well... I know the answer! And just to prove to me that He was in control God pressed harder about this so called calling into ministry.

So Fall 2010 I enrolled in my first graduate class, History of Christianity. I wondered what I had gotten myself into as I read the syllabus. I was certain I had gotten in over my head. But I stuck with it and here I am four years later! DONE! With all A's I might add! (I am pretty proud of that since I worked full-time most of that time as a single parent!)

The final piece of my degree requirements was to do what is called CPE - Clinical Pastoral Education - otherwise known as a chaplaincy internship. I really didn't want to do it - it seemed unnecessary to me. I tried to do something else, but (thankfully) the department chair said no! So here I am done with CPE and I must say it was perhaps the most important part of my training and education. 

Not to say that the classes I had weren't wonderful, and the professors were great - but this experience was putting the rubber to the road. When our precious CPE supervisor told us we were just going to go "do it" we really thought we would at least follow him around one or two weeks and get a feel for it. Oh, but no! We really did just have to go "do it!" 

I read something the other day that said "Life doesn't begin until you get out of your comfort zone!" Well - if that is the case - my life began six months ago when I started my CPE experience!

I have laughed, cried, and even argued. I have lost sleep, eaten bad hospital food, and seen things I never really wanted to see. But I have also heard precious stories, sat with families who just lost loved ones, held mothers terrified for their one month old babies who were so very sick and offered hope and encouragement to young people who seemed to have none. Being with people in their time of need, worry, sickness, loss and death is the most awesome privilege I could ever have had. I have been humbled. I have learned to listen and to wait. I have found that I can hear a story and not have to share my own similar experience. I have learned that it really isn't all about me.

I have also gained 8 very dear friends. The seven people I went through this experience with will always have a special place in my heart. I could not have survived without them. We leaned on one another, sought each other's advice, laughed till we cried, read silly books, argued over theology, ate together and nearly blew up our phones with texting madness! I love them dearly. They are, as my friend Marie said, "tools in my tool belt." And the 8th, my dear supervisor - what a gem of a human being. He is definitely where he needs to be. 

So as this chapter of my life ends, I look forward to waking up tomorrow and knowing that I have done what I needed to do. I have been successful. I can really say to myself, "Job well done Merit." And I know that I know that it was all through the power and grace of God and the people He placed in my path these past four years. It took a village - for real! My only regret is that my dear Granny and my dad aren't here to celebrate with me. But they know...

I look forward to that next chapter...I think it's gonna be a great one!

The Road to Nicaragua

It's been since April of 2012 that I wrote here. Sad. Disappointing. Life of a working mom going to grad school? Lack of inspiration? Lame? I fear it is the latter! But a dear pastor reminded us this morning, at the 20th Anniversary of the church he planted, God's mercies are new every morning! Great is God's faithfulness!

So it is with those new mercies that we can begin again, and again and again! Ever seeking to be faithful in return to God's faithfulness to us. As undeserved as it is. So I begin here, at this blog spot again. Why not? Seems a good time to do so...as I look forward to so much...

• To the coming of the King
• To finishing my Master's of Practical Theology degree
• To returning to a special place called El Ayundante Nicaragua
• To a new year with my sweet, patient, handsome and amazing husband
• To being home more with my fabulous teenage daughters
• To seeing where God might call me to GO!

Speaking of GO! During Lent last year, Rethink Church, a really cool ministry of the United Methodist Church that I would love to work for someday, did this photo challenge. I participated for most of it, but I petered out at the end - typical! So this time it is shorter - maybe 25 days will be easier than 40 days?- and so I am giving it another GO!

 That word GO! It keeps popping up in my life the past year. First I was called to GO to Nicaragua, then I was called to GO to my first church job at Biltmore United Methodist Church, and then I was called to GO to Rutherford Regional Hospital to do my Clinical Pastoral Education (chaplaincy internship), and now I am called to GO back to Nicaragua with my daughters! That word, GO! became part of my first (and only) sermon that I preached in July. GO! DO! LOVE! 

So isn't it fitting that the first day of the Rethink Church photo challenge for Advent is GO!? GO figure! 

So here is my picture for GO...

My caption says - Sometimes we are called to GO and we don't even know where we are going or how we are going to get there! But if we believe God is faithful we will go anyway!

So going back to Nicaragua this year wasn't what I really thought we should do. But again I am reminded that God is faithful. So the money will come somehow and we will get there safely even though the girls and I arrive an hour in Managua before the rest of the team and that scares me a little, okay - a lot! But when I hear Mack, that founding pastor, speak of a ministry that began years ago in Nicaragua because of his being faithful and listening to God and obeying, then I know I must GO!

Remembering and Re-Membering

How can it already have been nearly 3 weeks since I last posted? I mean yes, Spring Break and a trip to Wine Country with my most favorite Wine Guy and events of importance there and trudging back to work for 7 more weeks and back to grad school for a few more weeks seem to have made the last, nearly 21 days, seem like a time warp. But actually that IS my life.

So now I am ALMOST at a point of taking that deep breath and releasing that heavy sigh - if I could ONLY get this darn paper to start writing itself. Seems it should be easy enough - 15-20 pages about...ME! I know, right? This should be a no-brainer...I mean I get to talk about ME! For lots of pages! UGH! Not as easy as you might be led to believe...and I am either using this platform to further procrastinate or hoping (praying) that it will be some sort of a catalyst to this odd sort of writer's block I feel I am experiencing. And of course, I do work best under pressure! (Wink, wink)

April has been a big month here in the Life of Merit. I've been doing a lot of remembering. It didn't start out this way...I was trying to do some forgetting. I now, thank my dear and loving God for not letting me forget - but nudging me  to remember. The remembering all began during Holy Week. How can you not remember? Remember the ultimate scarifice made for me, for you, for the world in the greatest act of unconditional love ever made in the history of humankind - Christ's death on the cross to redeem me, you and everyone who will receive the gift. That is where we need to start our remembering.

Then someone was courageous and fought for me. He wasn't willing to just sit back and watch me slowly slip away - because I was forgetting and all caught up in the Me of MErit...he reached out and grabbed me and said he wanted ME...despite ME! And the trip to Wine Country with Wine Guy was more remembering. Remembering what an amazing, loving, compassionate, caring, genuine person he is. That he encourages me and thinks I can do something good. And that we love so many of the same things. That we love to laugh and drink wine and eat good food and just be together. And when we travel we actually do it well without arguing or getting mad about schedules or directions. And what the heck was I thinking? Sheesh, that was a close one! I will always remember he fought for ME.

I felt sort of dis-membered once I returned from California..the red-eye alone could set a person back for months! I felt like pieces of me were scattered between here and there...and just when I thought I had gathered all the pieces and was about to move forward my sweet dog was hurt and I had to put him down. And it was sad and hard, but people I love and who love me were there with me and that made all the difference in the world. I keep remembering Bruce though - as I walk out of the bathroom in the morning and he isn't there, as I come home and he isn't there, as I get to sleep in for a change...and he isn't waking me up to be fed - who thought I would ever miss that? But I remember how he sat by my side as I cried and cried nearly 4 years ago as my marriage fell apart. How he would force his nose up under my arm so I would pet him. How I would lie next to him and warp my arms around his neck and feel his soft fur and feel him relax with my touch. That I will always remember.

Today, I especially remember my dear sweet Dad. The loving, loyal, intelligent, genuine, musical, God loving, Bourbon drinking guy who had his name on a brass plate at the pub he loved so dearly. "Where everybody knew his name" and if someone was sitting at his barstool they were kindly told "Dr. Bob is here and you are in his seat."  And I remember how much I wish I had more time to tell him how much I loved him and how he made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and how I remembered how he would rub my head when I didn't feel good and how I wished we could ride in the old truck to kindergarten one more time and sing silly songs. And to tell him that he would be so proud of his grand-daughters and he could tell them how beautiful they are too.

And all this remembering makes me remember again the sacrifice that was made for ME. That He died and rose and for that I am free. For that I am free to be who God designed me to be. And I will still sometimes forget...forget that people, and dogs, love me. I will forget that I don't have to be afraid to live my life boldly and courageously and ON FIRE for Him! So what am I waiting for?

I need to remember...the Eucharisteo...the GRACE, the Thanksgiving, the JOY - all a gift...for me to embrace...and share and remember.