How can it already have been nearly 3 weeks since I last posted? I mean yes, Spring Break and a trip to Wine Country with my most favorite Wine Guy and events of importance there and trudging back to work for 7 more weeks and back to grad school for a few more weeks seem to have made the last, nearly 21 days, seem like a time warp. But actually that IS my life.
So now I am ALMOST at a point of taking that deep breath and releasing that heavy sigh - if I could ONLY get this darn paper to start writing itself. Seems it should be easy enough - 15-20 pages about...ME! I know, right? This should be a no-brainer...I mean I get to talk about ME! For lots of pages! UGH! Not as easy as you might be led to believe...and I am either using this platform to further procrastinate or hoping (praying) that it will be some sort of a catalyst to this odd sort of writer's block I feel I am experiencing. And of course, I do work best under pressure! (Wink, wink)
April has been a big month here in the Life of Merit. I've been doing a lot of remembering. It didn't start out this way...I was trying to do some forgetting. I now, thank my dear and loving God for not letting me forget - but nudging me to remember. The remembering all began during Holy Week. How can you not remember? Remember the ultimate scarifice made for me, for you, for the world in the greatest act of unconditional love ever made in the history of humankind - Christ's death on the cross to redeem me, you and everyone who will receive the gift. That is where we need to start our remembering.
Then someone was courageous and fought for me. He wasn't willing to just sit back and watch me slowly slip away - because I was forgetting and all caught up in the Me of MErit...he reached out and grabbed me and said he wanted ME...despite ME! And the trip to Wine Country with Wine Guy was more remembering. Remembering what an amazing, loving, compassionate, caring, genuine person he is. That he encourages me and thinks I can do something good. And that we love so many of the same things. That we love to laugh and drink wine and eat good food and just be together. And when we travel we actually do it well without arguing or getting mad about schedules or directions. And what the heck was I thinking? Sheesh, that was a close one! I will always remember he fought for ME.
I felt sort of dis-membered once I returned from California..the red-eye alone could set a person back for months! I felt like pieces of me were scattered between here and there...and just when I thought I had gathered all the pieces and was about to move forward my sweet dog was hurt and I had to put him down. And it was sad and hard, but people I love and who love me were there with me and that made all the difference in the world. I keep remembering Bruce though - as I walk out of the bathroom in the morning and he isn't there, as I come home and he isn't there, as I get to sleep in for a change...and he isn't waking me up to be fed - who thought I would ever miss that? But I remember how he sat by my side as I cried and cried nearly 4 years ago as my marriage fell apart. How he would force his nose up under my arm so I would pet him. How I would lie next to him and warp my arms around his neck and feel his soft fur and feel him relax with my touch. That I will always remember.
Today, I especially remember my dear sweet Dad. The loving, loyal, intelligent, genuine, musical, God loving, Bourbon drinking guy who had his name on a brass plate at the pub he loved so dearly. "Where everybody knew his name" and if someone was sitting at his barstool they were kindly told "Dr. Bob is here and you are in his seat." And I remember how much I wish I had more time to tell him how much I loved him and how he made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and how I remembered how he would rub my head when I didn't feel good and how I wished we could ride in the old truck to kindergarten one more time and sing silly songs. And to tell him that he would be so proud of his grand-daughters and he could tell them how beautiful they are too.
And all this remembering makes me remember again the sacrifice that was made for ME. That He died and rose and for that I am free. For that I am free to be who God designed me to be. And I will still sometimes forget...forget that people, and dogs, love me. I will forget that I don't have to be afraid to live my life boldly and courageously and ON FIRE for Him! So what am I waiting for?
I need to remember...the Eucharisteo...the GRACE, the Thanksgiving, the JOY - all a gift...for me to embrace...and share and remember.