But he told me: "My kindness(grace) is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak." So I will brag even more about my weaknesses in order that Christ's power will live in me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
This is the verse I was very clearly given in the Spring of 2009. I basically said - "Yep, I hear ya, God! Now if you wouldn't mind just stepping over there - just so I can still see you...I'll go on with MY business."
In the infamous words of good ole Dr. Phil(not my History of Christianity professor, but the bald one from Texas)..."how's that been workin' for ya?" Well, not so good!
This is the part where I am about to "brag" in my weakness...
You see, I am feeling very weak right now. Perhaps it is the insane schedule I keep, the fact that my house is a disaster zone, I have a paper due every week from now until the end of time, my job has me less than enthusiastic, I am mourning a relationship that I just can't seem to shake off, I feel disconnected from my girlfriends, blah, blah, blah! Yep - weak...perhaps the clinical term is depressed!
I hate feeling this way too - it's not who or what I want to be. I have moments of just wanting to run off- grab one of those darn suitcases I was talking about in earlier blogs and run away! Start over. But the 2 darling daughters I have prevent that from happening...
So where does His grace or kindness fit into all of this. I'm supposed to be happy in my hardships and suffering...I'm sorry...I signed up for this? This is the God I want to worship and serve? One who expects me to be happy..content...worshipful... in my discontent? No problem-o! HA!
And yet...deep in my soul..sorrowful as it is right now...I know...He does have great things planned for me. That much of my discontent is from my own disobedience, my own doing. And this is where HE does His best work! He uses this to draw me nearer to Himself. He knows that He is the only One who can quiet my soul, heal my heart and ultimately give me the peace I so desperately yearn for.
I recently have been hearing about HOW much HE LOVES ME! The words ferocious and crazy have come up. His love for me is ferocious. His love for me is crazy. He wants to be MY ALL. He wants to be my everything. How can I pass that up? How could I want ANYTHING else - isn't that what we are made for? To be loved? I want to be loved with an extraordinary love that I KNOW can only come from Jesus. There is no one on earth who can love me that way. Without condition, without merit, without strings attached, without the hurt and pain that so often comes with human love.
I want to surrender my whole heart to HIM! To be able to set ME aside...to live FOR Him. Yet, I don't think I have figured out how to do this exactly. Must be the control freak in me. To live my life with abandon for HIM! Yes, many people would think I was a "Jesus Freak" - but what is so bad about that? Isn't that how I SHOULD be living my life? In total commitment to Him. Crazy Ferocious LOVE!
So I am thinking that there is still a suitcase somewhere in the attic that I haven't found yet that is keeping me from living in total abandon and surrender to Christ. Cause the benefits sure sound pretty enticing at this point!