It's been awhile since I have written. There are many reasons why I guess...most of which are just life in general. Being a single mom, working full time, going to graduate school full time, doing various activities at my church, and establishing a new relationship...there really isn't time for much else. Even sleep has taken a backseat in life - and trust me it's starting to catch up with me.
I sat through church this morning - sitting in the pew for a change not having "to work" as a Worship Team member. It's a different place for me to be - sitting rather than doing. I guess I am more of a Martha than a Mary most days. As a matter of fact sitting - being still is pretty tough for me to do. As I sat there listening for a change, I found myself crying through the beginning of the sermon. I could blame it on the thick layer of pollen I felt coating my throat and eyes...I could blame it on the words I was hearing from Paul, our pastor, that were slicing through my soul...I could blame it on the grief I have recently been feeling over the events of the past 2 years of my life - divorce, loss of a home I loved, loss of a lifestyle I enjoyed and took for granted, loss of my dear sweet grandmother whom I adored, loss of my precious dad. The list could go on - as for many of us.
At the moment I felt the tears, I chose to blame them on the pain in saw in my amazing daughter's face when she saw two of her best friends sitting together - not having spoken to her or asking her to come sit with them. This has been a year of, as I call it,"girl drama". I have many times gotten frustrated with her over it - figuring she certainly had some part in it and encouraging her to "deal with it". But this morning it was different - it was heart wrenching. And I didn't know what to do to make her feel better - to make the pain go away. It has been on my mind all day.
I came home and after a quick trip to Lowe's to buy some cheer in the form of bright pink and purple plants, I sat down on the couch - still feeling deflated by the events of the morning- the pain for my child, the loss in my life, the discouragement with myself and my seeming lack of direction and focus in life - just a GOOD OLD FASHIONED pity party! I picked up the devotional booklet our church compiles - written by congregation members for the Lenten season. Today's lesson was
Genesis 16:7-14 - when Hagar, the maidservant of Sarah fled to the dessert - distraught over how her "friend" had turned on her and sent her packing after years of loyal service. In the text, God finds Hagar and tells her to hold her chin up and go back to Sarah and that He will bless her. It's sort of a difficult story to wrap your head around - I'll let you read it and decide what you think - but the part that STOOD OUT was that God sees us. That even when we might not have the strength to see HIM, He still sees us.
I remember being around the age of 6 and my mother had done or said something that I didn't like - so I packed my bag and I "ran away". I carried my little blue suitcase down the steps as she vacuumed, not seeing me. I walked out the kitchen door and made it to the cement steps outside the big beautiful farm house where we lived. I'm not sure where he came from, but my dad called me and asked where I was going. I told him I was running away. He tried to talk me out of it - but I had made up my mind. He told me he would miss me terribly, but he understood. So off I went - into the barn where the old yellow tabby cat hung out chasing mice. It was a place I liked to play and get away - so it seemed like a great place to get away from whatever I was running away from that day.
So I was sort of feeling like Hagar today - she was fleeing from it all. I want, on many days to flee from it all - just go somewhere and start all over.Like when I was a child - to run away. But is this what I really want to do? It seems that much like my own father all those decades ago - when he saw me leave and he came after me - that my heavenly Father saw me just that same way today. God sees the pain in my heart - for myself, for my daughter, for my family. And HE will come after me. He will come after me...sometimes quietly in the things I read or the songs I hear. Sometimes He comes not so quietly - in the words from others whom I know love me, the words I read, the songs I hear.
Here is what I know - He does see us. He does love us with a love we can't even begin to imagine. He gives us the strength to go on - to go on boldly and courageously. It is only with Him that I can go on boldly and courageously. Knowing that He has gone before me to set my path, that He is with me on the path - crooked as I often make it. But He sees me. He sees ME! Sometimes that's all we need - to know that we are seen. I hope I can teach my daughter that even when our friends don't seem to see us - God sees us and He loves us.