Isolated Isolation

Longing for isolation...longing to NOT be or feel isolated. Funny how this week as I am trying to formulate the words to share with some young people in a few months the theme of which is faith...from the standpoint of God always being there for us...I find myself feeling both isolated and yet longing for isolation at the same time! How can that even be?
OK - so maybe it's not as weird as it sounds to me. I feel isolated from my friends, from my church family, even from the love in my life - I guess the distance is getting old. I am so busy with work, grad school, and kids there seems to be little time left for friends, fun and relaxing... and just me. It has seemed like when I post something on the dreaded Facebook in the never-ending stream from my girlfriends my posts are ignored...like they are invisible, like they have forgotten who I am. But who can blame them...all I do is work, study, go see my love when I have a chance, so maybe they have felt neglected too. But it's sort of funny how even at the age of 46 I can still get that "left out" feeling. I don't like it now any more than I did 30 years ago.
"That feeling" nagged me many nights in my teens and 20's...the longing to be part of something, to be included, to be wanted, desired...even loved. That feeling resulted in poor decisions being made that changed the course of my life over 30 years ago. So, how could it still plague me? What is it's source?
At this point I do KNOW what the source is...it's the God-shaped hole inside my heart, inside your heart, inside every living breathing human being's heart. And yes, I know that only God can fill it. No other person, man or woman, child or adult, can fill that hole. No matter what they do or say to me to make me "feel" included, desired, loved, wanted, valued. But allowing God and only God to fill it takes courage to believe - it takes faith. Faith is that which you believe in that cannot be seen and I think I might even add "felt" from the physical aspect too. Because it's really easy to feel included, loved, wanted, desired...when someone has their arms wrapped around you. But allowing God to wrap His arms around us is a whole other story. Faith...Merriam-Webster defines it as "belief and trust in and loyalty to God".
Interesting I think...belief and trust - got the belief part - but TRUST?...and LOYALTY?! Wow! I think that is eye-opening! Have I trusted Him lately? Have I given up control and handed it over to Him? Hardly - I am still trying to steer as hard as ever! Have I been loyal to the God who has carried me through the worst of times? An emphatic NO is the only answer. I've allowed Him to slip to the bottom of the list. I've put someone else in front of him, I've replaced Bible study and reading with reading Old Testament textbooks and writing papers. I have this vision of God just oozing out of my heart - that God-shaped hole starting to gape open again.
So where is my FAITH? I have realized that is the reason I have been longing for some isolation. Some quiet, uninterrupted, no-paper-due time to sit and listen to what He has to say to me. To be able to tell God what I long for and how thankful I truly am even though all it seems I can do lately is whine and complain. To simply enter His presence and be..isolated with my awesome and loving God. Believe. Trust. Be Loyal to. It's time for me to find my FAITH again.

Where is Grace? Or is it Merit?

So it's been one of those days...I have to stop and wonder - who have I become? Where did the real Merit go? Have I ever met her in the first place? She seems to have gotten lost somewhere...under all the stuff life is apt to throw at us. I guess some people must have some sort of Teflon exterior and the "stuff" just slides off...not me - I am fairly certain I must have gone through a Velcro factory or something cause I am feeling like everything is STICKING TO ME!

And the stickiness isn't really very attractive. It makes me so many things I DO NOT want to be...cynical, jealous, pessimistic, doubt-filled, impatient...just down right grumpy too. It's not fun.

I had a friend who used to call me "Gracie". I say used to because we are still two people who know each other, but the relationship changed - if you get my drift. I never really understood why this person decided one day - in the oddest of places - Moe's..."Welcome to Moe's" - to call me this - but it stuck. It is certainly a name I strive to live into. Gosh, light bulb moment just this instant...my own name...Merit - now that has a significant meaning too...and it even is part of the definition of grace - unmerited favor, unconditional love. (I realize that already less than 2 paragraphs in I am rambling and all over the place - but stay with me and this might end up somewhere!) So...my name...Merit - it means, according to Merriam-Webster - "a praiseworthy quality; character or conduct deserving reward, honor or esteem". Great - now I feel even worse than I already did tonight. Not living up to either of those names at this moment.

So back to today...I went from feeling somewhat frustrated and helplessly hopeless due to the wonderful budget news regarding the state of my job next year, to this amazing feeling of - HEY GIRL - maybe this is your chance...take that leap of faith you have been avoiding the past 9 months and see what God does. That "you can do it" attitude lasted all of about 1 hour. What gives? Then I find myself being jealous of someone I have absolutely no reason to be jealous of, getting upset with the person I love -and who I know loves me, and diving into my always standing by pity pool party. What a jerk! Grace? Merit? Hardly. I can only ask the question "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?"

I know one thing - if I were God - and obviously it's a good thing I AM...NOT! - I would say - forget her - she can't get her head in the game or her act together. But thank goodness I am not God - because He IS the source of the grace and merit I long for, long to be, long to live into. Even on my worst days - and right now I am feeling like this one ranks right up there, as I have been negative, hurtful, jealous and self-centered - far from grace filled and of merit - yes, even on my worst days -He is willing to forgive me and to give me another chance tomorrow morning. Can I be like that? Can I dig deep down and let the fear that resides in my soul that drives my need for control, attention, and jealousy go? Why do I allow it to hold me hostage? What am I really afraid of. What are any of us afraid of? Being hurt - again? Not being loved? Being alone?

Within the last few months I have noticed a new verse that has started to follow me around...interestingly enough the title of my blog is part of the verse - and although I am sure I have heard it over the years - I didn't draw from it when I was naming the blog.

The blog name came simply - or not as I am finding - from how I wanted to live my life after the events that occurred in my life during 2008-2010. Bold and courageous.

Here is the verse - Joshua 1:9 - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." So this verse has been popping up time after time...this is usually how God works for me...He knows I love a theme and so He works it.

So what happened to the Merit who wanted to be bold/strong and courageous. Did life beat her down? Why do I allow the lies of the Enemy to have control over me? What does this say of my faith in my Savior? After months of theology it says Christ's death on the cross was all for naught if I buy into all this stuff that is sticking to me. I want to take off the Velcro suit.

The crossroads has been building for months now. I truly believe I am standing at the intersection of many different highways. The Velcro will make my path terribly slow and cluttered and sticky...continuing to catch the stuff that flies by, dangerous curves and briers and roadkill. Is this the life I want? Hardly.

I want the Teflon coating - no worrying, no fear, no sticking..because I have a God who, if I chose to trust Him as I know I am called to do, will make my path straight. It won't be without bumps and curves, but it will be a highway with the most magnificent guard rails and safety features you can imagine.

So it seems tonight I am at the precipice of my crossroads. I must choose the highway I am going to follow. I cannot stand in the intersection any longer. My mind, body and spirit have been there long enough. June 1, 2011 is the day.