So somehow I thought that by the end of Lent - I would have pretty much gotten the suitcases unpacked and put away! Ha! Not so much! Seems this is going to take a little longer than 40 days! How can it be that I feel like I haven't made a dent? In truth - I almost feel like I am farther away from my destination that I am closer to it. After all this introspection and searching to understand where I came from and exactly how I got here, seems I should be looking into half empty bags! And as much as I truly try to check my bags with my Almighty and Wonderful Creator - seems I can't stop dragging them around with me! Don't I know Him well enough to trust Him? After all this time? After all He has done for me? How can I be so selfish and stubborn?
I want to drop them at His feet and put my hands up and be done! Maybe that is the next step - learning to listen in order to let go. I haven't had a lot of time to listen cause I am so busy dragging around the suitcases and trying to manage them that I haven't stopped to do much listening. And this is hard for me! I am a doer - I don't sit still much. Allows for too much time to think! That's when the latch pops open and things start flying out of it. I then have to start stuffing it all back in - lest someone SEE what I have in there! That would be bad, really bad.
It's pretty messy. I didn't do a very good job of packing in the first place. So to let people actually SEE it...that would be scary. Those close to me have a pretty good idea - but what if OTHERS saw..what would they think? Would they still like me? Accept me? Even though some of the heavier stuff in there wasn't my fault? Would they see beyond that to the hurt and the brokeness that resulted? Maybe some would, but others wouldn't. But why does it matter?
And there we are again - back to giving it to God! He will use it for HIS glory! All of it - all of the pain and brokeness. All the not so pretty stuff that is hanging out of the sides. And He will take it for me - if I will just trust Him enough to know that He desires to give me mercy, forgiveness, abundant grace and most of all love. What more should I desire?
We start the process-expecting "instant gratification"-doesn't happen-we question ourselves-our motives-our abilities-particularly our ability to give it all to our God-to trust HIM completely.
ReplyDeleteSomewhere along the way this interloper-this "it" if you will, invades our space-wreaks havoc on us until when we look at our reflection in the mirror we no longer see who GOD MADE us to be-but what the "IT" EXPECTS us to be.
We pack "it" away-try to forget "it", move forward-to a different chapter in our life, but "it" is lurking-just waiting for one more opportunity to invade our space-to make us vulnerable-to doubt our own worth. The "it" swallows us up-attaches itself to us-the more we try & WANT to let go-the harder it grips us. "It" can be a person, an experience or a combination.
Shaking "it" becomes a process: slow, steady, painful-always having to go much deeper than we ever imagined. God's GRACE & LOVE can replace the "IT"! Then again comes that word: PERSEVERANCE. Not only to get rid of "it" for good, but to handle the backlash that "it" may caused to be unleashed. God will handle this, too!