I really should be asleep right now - and I am sure that the typing will be atrocious! But I just had two conversations of sorts(does texting count as a conversation?) and my mind started going and I thought I should at least get this down before it got lost in the great abyss of a now 46 year old brain!
The first conversation was with a new person in my life. One who has come into it much like a warm spring breeze. The conversation is easy, we talk for hours. The times we are together are full of the hope that comes with the newness of that Spring breeze - knowing that the chill of winter is behind you and that the world is full of new birth, new growth, new life - a hope for the season to come. It is in this conversation that thoughts of the heart (mine in particular) came to mind.
The other conversation was with a dear friend from college. This friend is in a totally different place in life. There is no spring breeze blowing their way right now. It's more of the stillness that comes before a storm. The feeling that comes when you can begin to hear the thunder and see the lightning in the distance - knowing that you are going to have to weather the storm one way or another - but with that completely paralyzing feeling that you have NO idea how - or even if you can.
Which brings me to the "heart" of the matter so to speak. In both of these conversations the heart is the central focus -whether you realize it or admit it or not. The heart not only beats to give us life, but the heart beats as part of our souls. God knew what he was doing when he made the heart the center of our being...it is the center of what keeps us physically alive, but it is also the center of what keeps us emotionally alive. The terms referring to the heart abound: heart ache, heart break, heart soaring, heart about to burst, heart broken, tender-hearted, hard-hearted, open heart, cold hearted - the list goes on and on! Seriously - I actually found a list of heart idioms - it was incredible how many there are! If the brain were the center of our being these terms would be completely different! But it is in our hearts that we feel the pain, the joy, the anxiety, the excitement, the sorrow, the gratitude - all the emotions of our lives. We were designed to physically FEEL them in our hearts.
Isn't that amazing to you? That we can be over joyed and our hearts be about to burst AND at another time we can be so full of grief that we are certain our hearts are going to actually break. Tonight my heart felt both... joy and gratitude - about to burst...then pain for someone hurting - heartache. It is truly amazing to me that even within minutes I can feel the difference between the two emotions in my chest. And what is even more amazing to me is that God gave us this gift to feel so truly deeply - and not just the good stuff, but the bad stuff too.
Now I have had my share of heart ache the past 2 years. The loss of a marriage, the loss of a dear grandmother, the loss of my sweet dad most recently...and the pain I felt - physical pain in my chest - was at times nearly more than I could bear. And it was during these times that I reached for the one and only thing I know to reach for - my awesome God! He held me in His arms, He comforted me with words that He so often shared through others or in my own study of His word, or songs that I would hear or sing. He healed my broken heart, putting it back together piece by precious piece only as quickly as I was ready.
Now I have a new feeling in my chest - and it is a physical feeling as well...but it is one of hope, gratitude, love, joy - for the future is bright and the possibilities are exciting! And yes, that fresh warm spring breeze certainly is contributing to my heart warming condition - but it is more than that.
After a day of hundreds of birthday wishes how could my heart not be full? I have been so blessed by so many people in my life. As I sit here and think about the people who have lifted me in prayer, sent me a note, encouraged me in my ministry hopes and dreams, offered me help and love...how in the world could my heart not be close to overflowing?
So what I have learned over the past 2 years? I have learned from the heartache comes pain, from the pain comes healing, from the healing comes hope, from the hope comes the abundant love of my friends and family - but most importantly the extraordinary love of God!
So if you're full of heartache right now - reach for Him - He can carry you through.
If your heart is full of love and gratitude - reach for those whose hearts are empty and broken. That is what I intend to do - in this - my year of gratitude!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
Trust - Learning to Once Again
So I woke up this morning with the word "trust" nearly being screamed in my head. It's not everyday that I wake up with some word blaring in my brain...most days I wake up to the dog endlessly whining to get up and FEED HIM...because he IS about to starve to death. (Have you seen my dog..he could go a while without eating and BE JUST FINE). But he gives me a good lead in to the whole trust issue that is foremost on my mind this morning.
See, Bruce(my dog), trusts me to get up and do two things every morning. He trusts me to feed him and to let him out to do his business. Now my order of priorities with that and his are different...he wants to be fed first - I would rather him pee first! It's a thing I have about my carpet! Anyway, that is what trust is...he has placed his confidence, his hope to be fed, in me. He completely expects me to be at home and get up when he decides it time, which has been later than usual the last few weeks, and let him out the back door and fill his bowl with his favorite yummy dog food. Seems simple enough. But what if I'm not home, what if something happened to me? I think of the story of the man and his dog in Japan - if I weren't lazy I would look it up...but the dog met him coming off the train everyday from work...then one day the man died and the dog continued to meet the train - hoping, trusting that the man would finally come home. Makes my heart hurt just thinking about it.
So here is where I am going with all this. Trust is something some of us do very easily, some of us do it too easily, and some of us seem to be unable to do it at all. A friend recently told me that they tend to trust the people they don't have reason to trust and don't trust the people they should. I had to think about this for a minute - but it makes sense really. We trust the people we know the least because they haven't had the opportunity to cause us to NOT trust them. Yet, more than likely, those we are closest to have had more than their fair share of times that they have broken our trust - be it intentionally or not.
I have always considered myself a fairly trusting person. I have always given people the benefit of the doubt in most circumstances. But then there are matters of the heart...it's one thing to trust someone to take the garbage out, clean their room, make you dinner, pay for something, etc...you get the idea - these are more or less physical things that, sure, people might NOT do, but for the most part you know whether you can trust them to do it or not. But when it comes to less physical things and more emotional experiences this is where trust gets a bit more interesting.
The definition of trust according www.dictionary.reference.com is - reliance of the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing, confidence. In my Bible(NIV) it is described as - to place one's confidence in, to hope.
When you get to be in your mid-40's you have certainly experienced having your trust broken, especially in relationships. I have trusted friends and others I care about with my heart, with my feelings, with my deepest desires, dreams and needs many times in the nearly 46 years of my life. Many of those with whom I have placed my trust have proven to be steadfastly trust-worthy. But there have also been times of great heartbreak from my trust being broken by someone. I know that I have broken the trust of those who trusted me as well. It's part of being human, that human condition thing again. As imperfect beings, we are subject to failing others, others failing us and even failing ourselves.
So how do you allow yourself to put your heart out there and trust again? This is what I found myself waking up to this morning. Can you trust, do you trust - not only the other person, but myself! Can I really trust myself this time? It's a risk I know I am willing to take. But not all of us are willing to take that risk to trust others or ourselves in areas of our lives that have caused us hurt and pain before. But for me, in my desire to live a life that is bold and courageous I don't think I have any other choice but to trust again. But there is one I know, without a shadow of a doubt, whom I can trust - God.
The Psalms and Proverbs are full of the word trust. The word trust appears to be mentioned more in those two books of the Bible than nearly any of the others combined!
Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart,and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.
Ah, there it is! That's the verse. If I trust in God, not myself or someone else, and stop trying to understand it all - which I do to my own demise - and simply acknowledge that HE is in control - He will make my path straight! OK - this sort of makes me laugh because my path has been anything but STRAIGHT! But if I had lived a life on this super straight path would I have what I have now? Would I be who I am now? Not likely. Which is where I realize that I have to trust that God is in control and that by leaning on him and acknowledging him as best I can - He will guide me down the next path...and from His point of view the path is straight.
Psalm 56:3 - When I am afraid, I will trust in you. David had been through some STUFF...but he knew above all he had to trust in the Lord. He had experienced the pain caused by human - but he knew time and time again that he could run to his Lord and be safe, protected from the pain and suffering of mortal man.
So as I embark on this new chapter of my life, and move forward into living my life with boldness and courage, I cling to the knowledge that God is the One I can trust. He has seen me through the tough times everytime before and the blessings that He offered as a result were greater than any I could have imagined. I can trust Him with my heart, so I must trust Him to guide me on the path He has made for me. I will trust that those He has placed in my path, though they may at some point cause me pain or hurt - be it intentionally or not - have been placed there by God to be part of my journey. And in that knowledge - as long as I am turning to Him for my guidance and assurance - know that the blessings He has in store for me are even greater still!
That is hope. That is trust. That is the promise of my awesome God!
See, Bruce(my dog), trusts me to get up and do two things every morning. He trusts me to feed him and to let him out to do his business. Now my order of priorities with that and his are different...he wants to be fed first - I would rather him pee first! It's a thing I have about my carpet! Anyway, that is what trust is...he has placed his confidence, his hope to be fed, in me. He completely expects me to be at home and get up when he decides it time, which has been later than usual the last few weeks, and let him out the back door and fill his bowl with his favorite yummy dog food. Seems simple enough. But what if I'm not home, what if something happened to me? I think of the story of the man and his dog in Japan - if I weren't lazy I would look it up...but the dog met him coming off the train everyday from work...then one day the man died and the dog continued to meet the train - hoping, trusting that the man would finally come home. Makes my heart hurt just thinking about it.
So here is where I am going with all this. Trust is something some of us do very easily, some of us do it too easily, and some of us seem to be unable to do it at all. A friend recently told me that they tend to trust the people they don't have reason to trust and don't trust the people they should. I had to think about this for a minute - but it makes sense really. We trust the people we know the least because they haven't had the opportunity to cause us to NOT trust them. Yet, more than likely, those we are closest to have had more than their fair share of times that they have broken our trust - be it intentionally or not.
I have always considered myself a fairly trusting person. I have always given people the benefit of the doubt in most circumstances. But then there are matters of the heart...it's one thing to trust someone to take the garbage out, clean their room, make you dinner, pay for something, etc...you get the idea - these are more or less physical things that, sure, people might NOT do, but for the most part you know whether you can trust them to do it or not. But when it comes to less physical things and more emotional experiences this is where trust gets a bit more interesting.
The definition of trust according www.dictionary.reference.com is - reliance of the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing, confidence. In my Bible(NIV) it is described as - to place one's confidence in, to hope.
When you get to be in your mid-40's you have certainly experienced having your trust broken, especially in relationships. I have trusted friends and others I care about with my heart, with my feelings, with my deepest desires, dreams and needs many times in the nearly 46 years of my life. Many of those with whom I have placed my trust have proven to be steadfastly trust-worthy. But there have also been times of great heartbreak from my trust being broken by someone. I know that I have broken the trust of those who trusted me as well. It's part of being human, that human condition thing again. As imperfect beings, we are subject to failing others, others failing us and even failing ourselves.
So how do you allow yourself to put your heart out there and trust again? This is what I found myself waking up to this morning. Can you trust, do you trust - not only the other person, but myself! Can I really trust myself this time? It's a risk I know I am willing to take. But not all of us are willing to take that risk to trust others or ourselves in areas of our lives that have caused us hurt and pain before. But for me, in my desire to live a life that is bold and courageous I don't think I have any other choice but to trust again. But there is one I know, without a shadow of a doubt, whom I can trust - God.
The Psalms and Proverbs are full of the word trust. The word trust appears to be mentioned more in those two books of the Bible than nearly any of the others combined!
Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart,and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.
Ah, there it is! That's the verse. If I trust in God, not myself or someone else, and stop trying to understand it all - which I do to my own demise - and simply acknowledge that HE is in control - He will make my path straight! OK - this sort of makes me laugh because my path has been anything but STRAIGHT! But if I had lived a life on this super straight path would I have what I have now? Would I be who I am now? Not likely. Which is where I realize that I have to trust that God is in control and that by leaning on him and acknowledging him as best I can - He will guide me down the next path...and from His point of view the path is straight.
Psalm 56:3 - When I am afraid, I will trust in you. David had been through some STUFF...but he knew above all he had to trust in the Lord. He had experienced the pain caused by human - but he knew time and time again that he could run to his Lord and be safe, protected from the pain and suffering of mortal man.
So as I embark on this new chapter of my life, and move forward into living my life with boldness and courage, I cling to the knowledge that God is the One I can trust. He has seen me through the tough times everytime before and the blessings that He offered as a result were greater than any I could have imagined. I can trust Him with my heart, so I must trust Him to guide me on the path He has made for me. I will trust that those He has placed in my path, though they may at some point cause me pain or hurt - be it intentionally or not - have been placed there by God to be part of my journey. And in that knowledge - as long as I am turning to Him for my guidance and assurance - know that the blessings He has in store for me are even greater still!
That is hope. That is trust. That is the promise of my awesome God!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
New Year, New Beginnings, New Hope
I've never been one to be very good at keeping to my New Year's Resolutions. Quite frankly I stink at it! Self-discipline is not my best quality! As a matter of fact it seems that the more I tell myself I WON'T do something - or NEED to do something- the more likely it is I am going to do the very opposite. In Christianity we call this the HUMAN CONDITION.
Paul expresses it so perfectly in Romans 7:15-20...I am using the Message translation.."I'm full of myself -after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary! But I need something more! For I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize I don't have what it takes. I can will it but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but then I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time." Oh boy! Does this describe you? It certainly describes me!
So, it is here that once again - I look forward to a New Year, a fresh new calender - with no marks on it, no scribbles, no mistakes yet. And I have this amazing opportunity to FINALLY GET IT RIGHT!
Oh wait ...see above, Merit - I won't get it right! It's impossible! With every fiber of my being - I alone cannot get it right!
Yet I set these goals for myself today:
Paul expresses it so perfectly in Romans 7:15-20...I am using the Message translation.."I'm full of myself -after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary! But I need something more! For I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize I don't have what it takes. I can will it but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but then I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time." Oh boy! Does this describe you? It certainly describes me!
So, it is here that once again - I look forward to a New Year, a fresh new calender - with no marks on it, no scribbles, no mistakes yet. And I have this amazing opportunity to FINALLY GET IT RIGHT!
Oh wait ...see above, Merit - I won't get it right! It's impossible! With every fiber of my being - I alone cannot get it right!
Yet I set these goals for myself today:
- I will be the best mom I can be - teaching my girls that they can be strong AND loving and caring all at the same time.
- I will strive to be a good and effective teacher at my school for the rest of the year -understanding how I can make a difference in the lives of my students right now.
- I will work hard to do my best in graduate school - managing my time more effectively as best I can - knowing full well this is a challenge for me.
- I will strive to keep balance in my relationships - the new ones and the old ones - allowing them to grow and mature in a healthy way.
- I will work to clean out the clutter that drags me down at home - but give myself some grace to know that it isn't the most important thing I need to focus on.
It all sounds great doesn't it? No problem - I've been called Super Mom more than once in the past 4 months. But that's not who I am striving to be...remember - See above verse from Paul! Sounds admirable and noble and inspiring and blah, blah, blah! I CAN'T DO IT! So what's the point?
The point is this...I CAN do it! If I keep my eye on the prize - the Prize that sets things right, that in this life of contradictions - where I want to do good , be good and live good - offers me the strength and the hope to achieve the victory. It is only through my devotion and focus on the Prize of Jesus Christ that I can even begin to hope to achieve the very least of my dreams and goals. Yet He has even bigger and better plans for me that I understand!
The verse that follows me around...2 Corinthians 12:9..."My grace is enough; it;s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness."(Message again - my favorite!) This, to me at least, says it all. You see that precious list above - those are all the things that I am really weak in...yet - with the strength I have through my relationship with Christ and His abundant grace for when I totally mess up on a daily basis - I have hope! I have the hope that:
- I will be a positive influence in my daughters' lives even in the times I make mistakes...by admitting them.
- I will survive the school year without losing my mind(just being honest here) because I feel called into another vocation that hasn't opened up for me yet AND still have a positive influence on the children I teach.
- I will do the best I can with the time I have to get my work done for school and most importantly enjoy what I am learning even if I don't manage to get an "A" every time!
- I will be okay even when relationships die or change and realize that new ones are always around the corner.
- I will continue to have clutter! There is no getting around this one I am afraid!
So as you look forward to your new year...what are your hopes and dream? What is the source that will sustain you when you break your resolutions, fail at something, are broken hearted, hurt someone you love, see a door close to something you had hoped for? Do you have the source that will offer you peace and abundant love, grace and mercy? I hope you do. Let Christ take over! He can handle it! His mercies are new and shiny every morning!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Crazy, Ferocious Love
But he told me: "My kindness(grace) is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak." So I will brag even more about my weaknesses in order that Christ's power will live in me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
This is the verse I was very clearly given in the Spring of 2009. I basically said - "Yep, I hear ya, God! Now if you wouldn't mind just stepping over there - just so I can still see you...I'll go on with MY business."
In the infamous words of good ole Dr. Phil(not my History of Christianity professor, but the bald one from Texas)..."how's that been workin' for ya?" Well, not so good!
This is the part where I am about to "brag" in my weakness...
You see, I am feeling very weak right now. Perhaps it is the insane schedule I keep, the fact that my house is a disaster zone, I have a paper due every week from now until the end of time, my job has me less than enthusiastic, I am mourning a relationship that I just can't seem to shake off, I feel disconnected from my girlfriends, blah, blah, blah! Yep - weak...perhaps the clinical term is depressed!
I hate feeling this way too - it's not who or what I want to be. I have moments of just wanting to run off- grab one of those darn suitcases I was talking about in earlier blogs and run away! Start over. But the 2 darling daughters I have prevent that from happening...
So where does His grace or kindness fit into all of this. I'm supposed to be happy in my hardships and suffering...I'm sorry...I signed up for this? This is the God I want to worship and serve? One who expects me to be happy..content...worshipful... in my discontent? No problem-o! HA!
And yet...deep in my soul..sorrowful as it is right now...I know...He does have great things planned for me. That much of my discontent is from my own disobedience, my own doing. And this is where HE does His best work! He uses this to draw me nearer to Himself. He knows that He is the only One who can quiet my soul, heal my heart and ultimately give me the peace I so desperately yearn for.
I recently have been hearing about HOW much HE LOVES ME! The words ferocious and crazy have come up. His love for me is ferocious. His love for me is crazy. He wants to be MY ALL. He wants to be my everything. How can I pass that up? How could I want ANYTHING else - isn't that what we are made for? To be loved? I want to be loved with an extraordinary love that I KNOW can only come from Jesus. There is no one on earth who can love me that way. Without condition, without merit, without strings attached, without the hurt and pain that so often comes with human love.
I want to surrender my whole heart to HIM! To be able to set ME aside...to live FOR Him. Yet, I don't think I have figured out how to do this exactly. Must be the control freak in me. To live my life with abandon for HIM! Yes, many people would think I was a "Jesus Freak" - but what is so bad about that? Isn't that how I SHOULD be living my life? In total commitment to Him. Crazy Ferocious LOVE!
So I am thinking that there is still a suitcase somewhere in the attic that I haven't found yet that is keeping me from living in total abandon and surrender to Christ. Cause the benefits sure sound pretty enticing at this point!
2 Corinthians 12:9
This is the verse I was very clearly given in the Spring of 2009. I basically said - "Yep, I hear ya, God! Now if you wouldn't mind just stepping over there - just so I can still see you...I'll go on with MY business."
In the infamous words of good ole Dr. Phil(not my History of Christianity professor, but the bald one from Texas)..."how's that been workin' for ya?" Well, not so good!
This is the part where I am about to "brag" in my weakness...
You see, I am feeling very weak right now. Perhaps it is the insane schedule I keep, the fact that my house is a disaster zone, I have a paper due every week from now until the end of time, my job has me less than enthusiastic, I am mourning a relationship that I just can't seem to shake off, I feel disconnected from my girlfriends, blah, blah, blah! Yep - weak...perhaps the clinical term is depressed!
I hate feeling this way too - it's not who or what I want to be. I have moments of just wanting to run off- grab one of those darn suitcases I was talking about in earlier blogs and run away! Start over. But the 2 darling daughters I have prevent that from happening...
So where does His grace or kindness fit into all of this. I'm supposed to be happy in my hardships and suffering...I'm sorry...I signed up for this? This is the God I want to worship and serve? One who expects me to be happy..content...worshipful... in my discontent? No problem-o! HA!
And yet...deep in my soul..sorrowful as it is right now...I know...He does have great things planned for me. That much of my discontent is from my own disobedience, my own doing. And this is where HE does His best work! He uses this to draw me nearer to Himself. He knows that He is the only One who can quiet my soul, heal my heart and ultimately give me the peace I so desperately yearn for.
I recently have been hearing about HOW much HE LOVES ME! The words ferocious and crazy have come up. His love for me is ferocious. His love for me is crazy. He wants to be MY ALL. He wants to be my everything. How can I pass that up? How could I want ANYTHING else - isn't that what we are made for? To be loved? I want to be loved with an extraordinary love that I KNOW can only come from Jesus. There is no one on earth who can love me that way. Without condition, without merit, without strings attached, without the hurt and pain that so often comes with human love.
I want to surrender my whole heart to HIM! To be able to set ME aside...to live FOR Him. Yet, I don't think I have figured out how to do this exactly. Must be the control freak in me. To live my life with abandon for HIM! Yes, many people would think I was a "Jesus Freak" - but what is so bad about that? Isn't that how I SHOULD be living my life? In total commitment to Him. Crazy Ferocious LOVE!
So I am thinking that there is still a suitcase somewhere in the attic that I haven't found yet that is keeping me from living in total abandon and surrender to Christ. Cause the benefits sure sound pretty enticing at this point!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
New Beginnings
Fall. It's not here yet...but this evening I could feel just a tinge of it in the air. A cold front quietly moved through the mountains(thank you Lord) this afternoon and cleared the air and cooled us off just a bit. But fall has always been my very favorite time of year. I remember writing a paper once - many years ago..somehow comparing it to the clothes in my closet - yeah, I have no idea...that's all I remember! But the feeling of the story was that it was a time of renewal and new beginnings.
I think most people tend to view New Year this way...or Spring...but there is something about the smell of pencils and school supplies, the falling leaves, the crispness in the air, pulling out the long sleeves and seeing the clearness of the (cough, gag) Carolina blue skies. (that is hard for a Wahoo to spit out) I have been yearning for the fall in the past few weeks. Perhaps it is the extreme heat we have had to endure this summer and the fact that we seemed to have gone straight from winter to summer. Or maybe it is just the knowing that I am about to embark on a brand new and very exciting, albeit daunting adventure.
In just a little more than a week, I begin furthering my education! It's been 23 years since I graduated from UVA. I've taken a few classes here and there since then...including an online class in Spring 09 on middle school curriculum - I got an A!
But this time - it's for real! Masters in Practical Theology. Okay - I know - even I think it's an oxymoron! But it is where I am being led on this crazy journey called MY LIFE! And I am trying to just hold on and go for it! He(that would be God) has led me here and so I am going to trust like I have never trusted before and go. I am elated, excited, enthusiastic...and scared to freakin death! How will I get the reading done? How am I going to pay for all this? Can I really drive 2 hours each way, sit through a 3 hour lecture, find time to read, sleep and work AND raise two very active daughters? Oh - and of course I am always steeped in my work at the church - but I wouldn't have it any other way!
So, I pick up the much lighter suitcases...and fewer these days too...and pack my school supplies in a new bag. Here I come graduate school! Cause this is one of those bold and courageous steps I have been planning to take!
I think most people tend to view New Year this way...or Spring...but there is something about the smell of pencils and school supplies, the falling leaves, the crispness in the air, pulling out the long sleeves and seeing the clearness of the (cough, gag) Carolina blue skies. (that is hard for a Wahoo to spit out) I have been yearning for the fall in the past few weeks. Perhaps it is the extreme heat we have had to endure this summer and the fact that we seemed to have gone straight from winter to summer. Or maybe it is just the knowing that I am about to embark on a brand new and very exciting, albeit daunting adventure.
In just a little more than a week, I begin furthering my education! It's been 23 years since I graduated from UVA. I've taken a few classes here and there since then...including an online class in Spring 09 on middle school curriculum - I got an A!
But this time - it's for real! Masters in Practical Theology. Okay - I know - even I think it's an oxymoron! But it is where I am being led on this crazy journey called MY LIFE! And I am trying to just hold on and go for it! He(that would be God) has led me here and so I am going to trust like I have never trusted before and go. I am elated, excited, enthusiastic...and scared to freakin death! How will I get the reading done? How am I going to pay for all this? Can I really drive 2 hours each way, sit through a 3 hour lecture, find time to read, sleep and work AND raise two very active daughters? Oh - and of course I am always steeped in my work at the church - but I wouldn't have it any other way!
So, I pick up the much lighter suitcases...and fewer these days too...and pack my school supplies in a new bag. Here I come graduate school! Cause this is one of those bold and courageous steps I have been planning to take!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
The Measure of a Man
April 28th...
Life has been a whirlwind since my last post. I think I reached a point where I wasn't sure what else to say. I had to be still and listen for awhile. God speaks in the oddest of ways.
I have spent the last 3 days telling my father goodbye. Seems nearly impossible to say much more than that. But what I have experienced in the past 3 days is almost beyond my comprehension. The sadness, sorrow and pain of losing a parent is nothing you can explain until you have experienced it. Even if you HAVE said all that there is to say - it seems you think of just that one other thing you wanted to say...or do.
My father wasn't perfect - but for this one night - he was. Not just to me - but to many other people. The people he has spent the last 10 to even 20 years of his life with - remembering him, toasting him, sharing the stories of him. The stories have left a profound affect on me. I will never forget them and I am so thankful for the people who felt so moved to tell me how much my dad meant to them. Several of them, men even, crying as they spoke of him.
May 20, 2010...
I obviously didn't get finished with that post - originally written on April 28th - just 2 days after my father died. I think it was too hard. Not that reading it today makes it any easier. But I have learned so much about myself since then. And isn't it funny how you end up reading something at just the right time - to remind you of what it was you needed to know in the first place.
What I learned about my father was that he was loved. He was loved by many - because he seemed to love them - unconditionally and the least of them. He didn't care what they did - where they worked, what they looked like...he just loved them. The stories I heard were so moving to me - I stood there and cried. Because he just loved.
And this weekend - as I journeyed with my Lord Jesus Christ, on a long anticipated three day Walk to Emmaus - I learned that HE loves me. He loved those who were the most unlovable. I think my dad did that too. I think of some of the people I knew in his past - people who many would typically avoid...that is who he loved. I knew my dad loved me - I could hear it in his voice and see it in his soft blue eyes.
So I returned from the week of his funeral - realizing how incredibly blessed I am - like my father - to be loved by so many. I have the most amazing community of friends a person could ask for. They have been there for me - regardless of my many mistakes and poor choices in the past 2 years. They have helped me with my kids, made me food, called, sent cards, given me their company - many of them giving abundantly of their time and energy. NEVER expecting anything in return.
And now, after this weekend I realize I MUST love just like my dad loved, just like my friends love and most importantly just like my Lord Jesus Christ loved! Can I do that? Only with the ever present help of the Holy Spirit. But I will seek It and call out for It every morning - so that I can be the same love to others as they have been to me. So that they will see the difference in me. I didn't wait 10+ years for this Walk and it happen when it did by chance! It was God's time.
I was yanked back into reality when I heard something I simply didn't want to hear today. As my heart sank my instinct was to respond to the person who had caused the hurt - in my usual sarcastic, yet wanting a reaction way. And as I sit here - the pain still in my heart - I realize that they want the same thing I do- to be loved. So with my new eyes and heart - I try to handle it in a whole new way. I will love them in a new way - not the way I had planned, but as a child of God. Knowing that God has other plans for me. He has been trying to tell me this for over a year. It doesn't make the hurt go away - but I know that I will be okay - and that I have heard this for a reason. And God will show me how to handle it from here on out - as long as I seek Him.
What I am finding is that the choices we make every day will result in the love we give and the love we get. I will make my choices very carefully from now on. To be honest, open and to expect nothing less than what I know I am worthy of. So how do I learn to love abundantly as I am called to do - yet guard my heart from pain and hurt? Is this possible? Perhaps guarding my heart might just be the answer. I think the suitcase just got a lot lighter!
Life has been a whirlwind since my last post. I think I reached a point where I wasn't sure what else to say. I had to be still and listen for awhile. God speaks in the oddest of ways.
I have spent the last 3 days telling my father goodbye. Seems nearly impossible to say much more than that. But what I have experienced in the past 3 days is almost beyond my comprehension. The sadness, sorrow and pain of losing a parent is nothing you can explain until you have experienced it. Even if you HAVE said all that there is to say - it seems you think of just that one other thing you wanted to say...or do.
My father wasn't perfect - but for this one night - he was. Not just to me - but to many other people. The people he has spent the last 10 to even 20 years of his life with - remembering him, toasting him, sharing the stories of him. The stories have left a profound affect on me. I will never forget them and I am so thankful for the people who felt so moved to tell me how much my dad meant to them. Several of them, men even, crying as they spoke of him.
May 20, 2010...
I obviously didn't get finished with that post - originally written on April 28th - just 2 days after my father died. I think it was too hard. Not that reading it today makes it any easier. But I have learned so much about myself since then. And isn't it funny how you end up reading something at just the right time - to remind you of what it was you needed to know in the first place.
What I learned about my father was that he was loved. He was loved by many - because he seemed to love them - unconditionally and the least of them. He didn't care what they did - where they worked, what they looked like...he just loved them. The stories I heard were so moving to me - I stood there and cried. Because he just loved.
And this weekend - as I journeyed with my Lord Jesus Christ, on a long anticipated three day Walk to Emmaus - I learned that HE loves me. He loved those who were the most unlovable. I think my dad did that too. I think of some of the people I knew in his past - people who many would typically avoid...that is who he loved. I knew my dad loved me - I could hear it in his voice and see it in his soft blue eyes.
So I returned from the week of his funeral - realizing how incredibly blessed I am - like my father - to be loved by so many. I have the most amazing community of friends a person could ask for. They have been there for me - regardless of my many mistakes and poor choices in the past 2 years. They have helped me with my kids, made me food, called, sent cards, given me their company - many of them giving abundantly of their time and energy. NEVER expecting anything in return.
And now, after this weekend I realize I MUST love just like my dad loved, just like my friends love and most importantly just like my Lord Jesus Christ loved! Can I do that? Only with the ever present help of the Holy Spirit. But I will seek It and call out for It every morning - so that I can be the same love to others as they have been to me. So that they will see the difference in me. I didn't wait 10+ years for this Walk and it happen when it did by chance! It was God's time.
I was yanked back into reality when I heard something I simply didn't want to hear today. As my heart sank my instinct was to respond to the person who had caused the hurt - in my usual sarcastic, yet wanting a reaction way. And as I sit here - the pain still in my heart - I realize that they want the same thing I do- to be loved. So with my new eyes and heart - I try to handle it in a whole new way. I will love them in a new way - not the way I had planned, but as a child of God. Knowing that God has other plans for me. He has been trying to tell me this for over a year. It doesn't make the hurt go away - but I know that I will be okay - and that I have heard this for a reason. And God will show me how to handle it from here on out - as long as I seek Him.
What I am finding is that the choices we make every day will result in the love we give and the love we get. I will make my choices very carefully from now on. To be honest, open and to expect nothing less than what I know I am worthy of. So how do I learn to love abundantly as I am called to do - yet guard my heart from pain and hurt? Is this possible? Perhaps guarding my heart might just be the answer. I think the suitcase just got a lot lighter!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Not Even Close...
So somehow I thought that by the end of Lent - I would have pretty much gotten the suitcases unpacked and put away! Ha! Not so much! Seems this is going to take a little longer than 40 days! How can it be that I feel like I haven't made a dent? In truth - I almost feel like I am farther away from my destination that I am closer to it. After all this introspection and searching to understand where I came from and exactly how I got here, seems I should be looking into half empty bags! And as much as I truly try to check my bags with my Almighty and Wonderful Creator - seems I can't stop dragging them around with me! Don't I know Him well enough to trust Him? After all this time? After all He has done for me? How can I be so selfish and stubborn?
I want to drop them at His feet and put my hands up and be done! Maybe that is the next step - learning to listen in order to let go. I haven't had a lot of time to listen cause I am so busy dragging around the suitcases and trying to manage them that I haven't stopped to do much listening. And this is hard for me! I am a doer - I don't sit still much. Allows for too much time to think! That's when the latch pops open and things start flying out of it. I then have to start stuffing it all back in - lest someone SEE what I have in there! That would be bad, really bad.
It's pretty messy. I didn't do a very good job of packing in the first place. So to let people actually SEE it...that would be scary. Those close to me have a pretty good idea - but what if OTHERS saw..what would they think? Would they still like me? Accept me? Even though some of the heavier stuff in there wasn't my fault? Would they see beyond that to the hurt and the brokeness that resulted? Maybe some would, but others wouldn't. But why does it matter?
And there we are again - back to giving it to God! He will use it for HIS glory! All of it - all of the pain and brokeness. All the not so pretty stuff that is hanging out of the sides. And He will take it for me - if I will just trust Him enough to know that He desires to give me mercy, forgiveness, abundant grace and most of all love. What more should I desire?
I want to drop them at His feet and put my hands up and be done! Maybe that is the next step - learning to listen in order to let go. I haven't had a lot of time to listen cause I am so busy dragging around the suitcases and trying to manage them that I haven't stopped to do much listening. And this is hard for me! I am a doer - I don't sit still much. Allows for too much time to think! That's when the latch pops open and things start flying out of it. I then have to start stuffing it all back in - lest someone SEE what I have in there! That would be bad, really bad.
It's pretty messy. I didn't do a very good job of packing in the first place. So to let people actually SEE it...that would be scary. Those close to me have a pretty good idea - but what if OTHERS saw..what would they think? Would they still like me? Accept me? Even though some of the heavier stuff in there wasn't my fault? Would they see beyond that to the hurt and the brokeness that resulted? Maybe some would, but others wouldn't. But why does it matter?
And there we are again - back to giving it to God! He will use it for HIS glory! All of it - all of the pain and brokeness. All the not so pretty stuff that is hanging out of the sides. And He will take it for me - if I will just trust Him enough to know that He desires to give me mercy, forgiveness, abundant grace and most of all love. What more should I desire?
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