I've been lurking around many amazing blogs lately. I had no idea what all was out there until just a few months ago. One blog lead to another and then another! I am still completely clueless about the whole linking thing, and one of my goals is to figure it out. But you have to have something to link first - right? And there are people out there making money just through their blogging! Women are publishing books as a result of their blogs! Amazing to me!
So, my goals for the new year -although I haven't worked through them specifically yet...are summed up by two words. LIVING INTENTIONALLY!
One of my favorite bloggers used this in one of her posts a while back - I would link you to it if a) I knew how and b) I could remember exactly which one it was! But anyway...it really resonated with me then and then this morning another gal - who blogs and used to teach computer technology and I would love to meet cause she seems so incredibly cool...used it on this really cool poster thing she made with all her resolutions on it! Seems to be a theme!
So, I am going to begin my New Year trying to live intentionally. Funny how right off the bat - as I was way ready to get up do my devotional, lunch already packed - life showed up in the form of my 11 year old daughter with a wicked stomach bug! LOL! The irony of it all!
But I will work to intentionally live up to my blog title...Living Bold and Courageous. The only one stopping me is ME!
It means I will have to get up and be ready to go. It means I will have to make myself move. It means I will have to make better choices of what I eat. It means I will have to plan ahead. It means I will have to say "no", but it might mean I have to say "yes" as well. It means I put God first. It means I focus on my daughters more than anyone else. It means I do the hard work still to be done. It means I play more and laugh more. It means I clean out the crap - physically and emotionally. It means I see God, seek God, EXPECT God and TRUST God. It means I let go of MY expectations and allow God to lead me. It means giving every red cent that I earn a name for what it is doing. It means sometimes having to tell my girls "no, not right now". It means teaching them the value of every red cent. It means giving all that we can give to those who need it way more than we do. It means showing those I love how much I really do love them. It means speaking positive and encouraging words. It means seeing the grace, giving thanks and living the joy.
Maybe my resolution should be "Living Eucharisteo" to borrow from my favorite book, One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. ThanksLIVING...as I think she or one of the other bloggers who knows her calls it.
So, in the midst of an unplanned day off, with stomach bug ridden daughter, I begin my year of living eucharisteo intentionally.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Isolated Isolation
Longing for isolation...longing to NOT be or feel isolated. Funny how this week as I am trying to formulate the words to share with some young people in a few months the theme of which is faith...from the standpoint of God always being there for us...I find myself feeling both isolated and yet longing for isolation at the same time! How can that even be?
OK - so maybe it's not as weird as it sounds to me. I feel isolated from my friends, from my church family, even from the love in my life - I guess the distance is getting old. I am so busy with work, grad school, and kids there seems to be little time left for friends, fun and relaxing... and just me. It has seemed like when I post something on the dreaded Facebook in the never-ending stream from my girlfriends my posts are ignored...like they are invisible, like they have forgotten who I am. But who can blame them...all I do is work, study, go see my love when I have a chance, so maybe they have felt neglected too. But it's sort of funny how even at the age of 46 I can still get that "left out" feeling. I don't like it now any more than I did 30 years ago.
"That feeling" nagged me many nights in my teens and 20's...the longing to be part of something, to be included, to be wanted, desired...even loved. That feeling resulted in poor decisions being made that changed the course of my life over 30 years ago. So, how could it still plague me? What is it's source?
At this point I do KNOW what the source is...it's the God-shaped hole inside my heart, inside your heart, inside every living breathing human being's heart. And yes, I know that only God can fill it. No other person, man or woman, child or adult, can fill that hole. No matter what they do or say to me to make me "feel" included, desired, loved, wanted, valued. But allowing God and only God to fill it takes courage to believe - it takes faith. Faith is that which you believe in that cannot be seen and I think I might even add "felt" from the physical aspect too. Because it's really easy to feel included, loved, wanted, desired...when someone has their arms wrapped around you. But allowing God to wrap His arms around us is a whole other story. Faith...Merriam-Webster defines it as "belief and trust in and loyalty to God".
Interesting I think...belief and trust - got the belief part - but TRUST?...and LOYALTY?! Wow! I think that is eye-opening! Have I trusted Him lately? Have I given up control and handed it over to Him? Hardly - I am still trying to steer as hard as ever! Have I been loyal to the God who has carried me through the worst of times? An emphatic NO is the only answer. I've allowed Him to slip to the bottom of the list. I've put someone else in front of him, I've replaced Bible study and reading with reading Old Testament textbooks and writing papers. I have this vision of God just oozing out of my heart - that God-shaped hole starting to gape open again.
So where is my FAITH? I have realized that is the reason I have been longing for some isolation. Some quiet, uninterrupted, no-paper-due time to sit and listen to what He has to say to me. To be able to tell God what I long for and how thankful I truly am even though all it seems I can do lately is whine and complain. To simply enter His presence and be..isolated with my awesome and loving God. Believe. Trust. Be Loyal to. It's time for me to find my FAITH again.
OK - so maybe it's not as weird as it sounds to me. I feel isolated from my friends, from my church family, even from the love in my life - I guess the distance is getting old. I am so busy with work, grad school, and kids there seems to be little time left for friends, fun and relaxing... and just me. It has seemed like when I post something on the dreaded Facebook in the never-ending stream from my girlfriends my posts are ignored...like they are invisible, like they have forgotten who I am. But who can blame them...all I do is work, study, go see my love when I have a chance, so maybe they have felt neglected too. But it's sort of funny how even at the age of 46 I can still get that "left out" feeling. I don't like it now any more than I did 30 years ago.
"That feeling" nagged me many nights in my teens and 20's...the longing to be part of something, to be included, to be wanted, desired...even loved. That feeling resulted in poor decisions being made that changed the course of my life over 30 years ago. So, how could it still plague me? What is it's source?
At this point I do KNOW what the source is...it's the God-shaped hole inside my heart, inside your heart, inside every living breathing human being's heart. And yes, I know that only God can fill it. No other person, man or woman, child or adult, can fill that hole. No matter what they do or say to me to make me "feel" included, desired, loved, wanted, valued. But allowing God and only God to fill it takes courage to believe - it takes faith. Faith is that which you believe in that cannot be seen and I think I might even add "felt" from the physical aspect too. Because it's really easy to feel included, loved, wanted, desired...when someone has their arms wrapped around you. But allowing God to wrap His arms around us is a whole other story. Faith...Merriam-Webster defines it as "belief and trust in and loyalty to God".
Interesting I think...belief and trust - got the belief part - but TRUST?...and LOYALTY?! Wow! I think that is eye-opening! Have I trusted Him lately? Have I given up control and handed it over to Him? Hardly - I am still trying to steer as hard as ever! Have I been loyal to the God who has carried me through the worst of times? An emphatic NO is the only answer. I've allowed Him to slip to the bottom of the list. I've put someone else in front of him, I've replaced Bible study and reading with reading Old Testament textbooks and writing papers. I have this vision of God just oozing out of my heart - that God-shaped hole starting to gape open again.
So where is my FAITH? I have realized that is the reason I have been longing for some isolation. Some quiet, uninterrupted, no-paper-due time to sit and listen to what He has to say to me. To be able to tell God what I long for and how thankful I truly am even though all it seems I can do lately is whine and complain. To simply enter His presence and be..isolated with my awesome and loving God. Believe. Trust. Be Loyal to. It's time for me to find my FAITH again.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Where is Grace? Or is it Merit?
So it's been one of those days...I have to stop and wonder - who have I become? Where did the real Merit go? Have I ever met her in the first place? She seems to have gotten lost somewhere...under all the stuff life is apt to throw at us. I guess some people must have some sort of Teflon exterior and the "stuff" just slides off...not me - I am fairly certain I must have gone through a Velcro factory or something cause I am feeling like everything is STICKING TO ME!
And the stickiness isn't really very attractive. It makes me so many things I DO NOT want to be...cynical, jealous, pessimistic, doubt-filled, impatient...just down right grumpy too. It's not fun.
I had a friend who used to call me "Gracie". I say used to because we are still two people who know each other, but the relationship changed - if you get my drift. I never really understood why this person decided one day - in the oddest of places - Moe's..."Welcome to Moe's" - to call me this - but it stuck. It is certainly a name I strive to live into. Gosh, light bulb moment just this instant...my own name...Merit - now that has a significant meaning too...and it even is part of the definition of grace - unmerited favor, unconditional love. (I realize that already less than 2 paragraphs in I am rambling and all over the place - but stay with me and this might end up somewhere!) So...my name...Merit - it means, according to Merriam-Webster - "a praiseworthy quality; character or conduct deserving reward, honor or esteem". Great - now I feel even worse than I already did tonight. Not living up to either of those names at this moment.
So back to today...I went from feeling somewhat frustrated and helplessly hopeless due to the wonderful budget news regarding the state of my job next year, to this amazing feeling of - HEY GIRL - maybe this is your chance...take that leap of faith you have been avoiding the past 9 months and see what God does. That "you can do it" attitude lasted all of about 1 hour. What gives? Then I find myself being jealous of someone I have absolutely no reason to be jealous of, getting upset with the person I love -and who I know loves me, and diving into my always standing by pity pool party. What a jerk! Grace? Merit? Hardly. I can only ask the question "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?"
I know one thing - if I were God - and obviously it's a good thing I AM...NOT! - I would say - forget her - she can't get her head in the game or her act together. But thank goodness I am not God - because He IS the source of the grace and merit I long for, long to be, long to live into. Even on my worst days - and right now I am feeling like this one ranks right up there, as I have been negative, hurtful, jealous and self-centered - far from grace filled and of merit - yes, even on my worst days -He is willing to forgive me and to give me another chance tomorrow morning. Can I be like that? Can I dig deep down and let the fear that resides in my soul that drives my need for control, attention, and jealousy go? Why do I allow it to hold me hostage? What am I really afraid of. What are any of us afraid of? Being hurt - again? Not being loved? Being alone?
Within the last few months I have noticed a new verse that has started to follow me around...interestingly enough the title of my blog is part of the verse - and although I am sure I have heard it over the years - I didn't draw from it when I was naming the blog.
The blog name came simply - or not as I am finding - from how I wanted to live my life after the events that occurred in my life during 2008-2010. Bold and courageous.
Here is the verse - Joshua 1:9 - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." So this verse has been popping up time after time...this is usually how God works for me...He knows I love a theme and so He works it.
So what happened to the Merit who wanted to be bold/strong and courageous. Did life beat her down? Why do I allow the lies of the Enemy to have control over me? What does this say of my faith in my Savior? After months of theology it says Christ's death on the cross was all for naught if I buy into all this stuff that is sticking to me. I want to take off the Velcro suit.
The crossroads has been building for months now. I truly believe I am standing at the intersection of many different highways. The Velcro will make my path terribly slow and cluttered and sticky...continuing to catch the stuff that flies by, dangerous curves and briers and roadkill. Is this the life I want? Hardly.
I want the Teflon coating - no worrying, no fear, no sticking..because I have a God who, if I chose to trust Him as I know I am called to do, will make my path straight. It won't be without bumps and curves, but it will be a highway with the most magnificent guard rails and safety features you can imagine.
So it seems tonight I am at the precipice of my crossroads. I must choose the highway I am going to follow. I cannot stand in the intersection any longer. My mind, body and spirit have been there long enough. June 1, 2011 is the day.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
The God Who Sees Me
It's been awhile since I have written. There are many reasons why I guess...most of which are just life in general. Being a single mom, working full time, going to graduate school full time, doing various activities at my church, and establishing a new relationship...there really isn't time for much else. Even sleep has taken a backseat in life - and trust me it's starting to catch up with me.
I sat through church this morning - sitting in the pew for a change not having "to work" as a Worship Team member. It's a different place for me to be - sitting rather than doing. I guess I am more of a Martha than a Mary most days. As a matter of fact sitting - being still is pretty tough for me to do. As I sat there listening for a change, I found myself crying through the beginning of the sermon. I could blame it on the thick layer of pollen I felt coating my throat and eyes...I could blame it on the words I was hearing from Paul, our pastor, that were slicing through my soul...I could blame it on the grief I have recently been feeling over the events of the past 2 years of my life - divorce, loss of a home I loved, loss of a lifestyle I enjoyed and took for granted, loss of my dear sweet grandmother whom I adored, loss of my precious dad. The list could go on - as for many of us.
At the moment I felt the tears, I chose to blame them on the pain in saw in my amazing daughter's face when she saw two of her best friends sitting together - not having spoken to her or asking her to come sit with them. This has been a year of, as I call it,"girl drama". I have many times gotten frustrated with her over it - figuring she certainly had some part in it and encouraging her to "deal with it". But this morning it was different - it was heart wrenching. And I didn't know what to do to make her feel better - to make the pain go away. It has been on my mind all day.
I came home and after a quick trip to Lowe's to buy some cheer in the form of bright pink and purple plants, I sat down on the couch - still feeling deflated by the events of the morning- the pain for my child, the loss in my life, the discouragement with myself and my seeming lack of direction and focus in life - just a GOOD OLD FASHIONED pity party! I picked up the devotional booklet our church compiles - written by congregation members for the Lenten season. Today's lesson was
Genesis 16:7-14 - when Hagar, the maidservant of Sarah fled to the dessert - distraught over how her "friend" had turned on her and sent her packing after years of loyal service. In the text, God finds Hagar and tells her to hold her chin up and go back to Sarah and that He will bless her. It's sort of a difficult story to wrap your head around - I'll let you read it and decide what you think - but the part that STOOD OUT was that God sees us. That even when we might not have the strength to see HIM, He still sees us.
I remember being around the age of 6 and my mother had done or said something that I didn't like - so I packed my bag and I "ran away". I carried my little blue suitcase down the steps as she vacuumed, not seeing me. I walked out the kitchen door and made it to the cement steps outside the big beautiful farm house where we lived. I'm not sure where he came from, but my dad called me and asked where I was going. I told him I was running away. He tried to talk me out of it - but I had made up my mind. He told me he would miss me terribly, but he understood. So off I went - into the barn where the old yellow tabby cat hung out chasing mice. It was a place I liked to play and get away - so it seemed like a great place to get away from whatever I was running away from that day.
So I was sort of feeling like Hagar today - she was fleeing from it all. I want, on many days to flee from it all - just go somewhere and start all over.Like when I was a child - to run away. But is this what I really want to do? It seems that much like my own father all those decades ago - when he saw me leave and he came after me - that my heavenly Father saw me just that same way today. God sees the pain in my heart - for myself, for my daughter, for my family. And HE will come after me. He will come after me...sometimes quietly in the things I read or the songs I hear. Sometimes He comes not so quietly - in the words from others whom I know love me, the words I read, the songs I hear.
Here is what I know - He does see us. He does love us with a love we can't even begin to imagine. He gives us the strength to go on - to go on boldly and courageously. It is only with Him that I can go on boldly and courageously. Knowing that He has gone before me to set my path, that He is with me on the path - crooked as I often make it. But He sees me. He sees ME! Sometimes that's all we need - to know that we are seen. I hope I can teach my daughter that even when our friends don't seem to see us - God sees us and He loves us.
I sat through church this morning - sitting in the pew for a change not having "to work" as a Worship Team member. It's a different place for me to be - sitting rather than doing. I guess I am more of a Martha than a Mary most days. As a matter of fact sitting - being still is pretty tough for me to do. As I sat there listening for a change, I found myself crying through the beginning of the sermon. I could blame it on the thick layer of pollen I felt coating my throat and eyes...I could blame it on the words I was hearing from Paul, our pastor, that were slicing through my soul...I could blame it on the grief I have recently been feeling over the events of the past 2 years of my life - divorce, loss of a home I loved, loss of a lifestyle I enjoyed and took for granted, loss of my dear sweet grandmother whom I adored, loss of my precious dad. The list could go on - as for many of us.
At the moment I felt the tears, I chose to blame them on the pain in saw in my amazing daughter's face when she saw two of her best friends sitting together - not having spoken to her or asking her to come sit with them. This has been a year of, as I call it,"girl drama". I have many times gotten frustrated with her over it - figuring she certainly had some part in it and encouraging her to "deal with it". But this morning it was different - it was heart wrenching. And I didn't know what to do to make her feel better - to make the pain go away. It has been on my mind all day.
I came home and after a quick trip to Lowe's to buy some cheer in the form of bright pink and purple plants, I sat down on the couch - still feeling deflated by the events of the morning- the pain for my child, the loss in my life, the discouragement with myself and my seeming lack of direction and focus in life - just a GOOD OLD FASHIONED pity party! I picked up the devotional booklet our church compiles - written by congregation members for the Lenten season. Today's lesson was
Genesis 16:7-14 - when Hagar, the maidservant of Sarah fled to the dessert - distraught over how her "friend" had turned on her and sent her packing after years of loyal service. In the text, God finds Hagar and tells her to hold her chin up and go back to Sarah and that He will bless her. It's sort of a difficult story to wrap your head around - I'll let you read it and decide what you think - but the part that STOOD OUT was that God sees us. That even when we might not have the strength to see HIM, He still sees us.
I remember being around the age of 6 and my mother had done or said something that I didn't like - so I packed my bag and I "ran away". I carried my little blue suitcase down the steps as she vacuumed, not seeing me. I walked out the kitchen door and made it to the cement steps outside the big beautiful farm house where we lived. I'm not sure where he came from, but my dad called me and asked where I was going. I told him I was running away. He tried to talk me out of it - but I had made up my mind. He told me he would miss me terribly, but he understood. So off I went - into the barn where the old yellow tabby cat hung out chasing mice. It was a place I liked to play and get away - so it seemed like a great place to get away from whatever I was running away from that day.
So I was sort of feeling like Hagar today - she was fleeing from it all. I want, on many days to flee from it all - just go somewhere and start all over.Like when I was a child - to run away. But is this what I really want to do? It seems that much like my own father all those decades ago - when he saw me leave and he came after me - that my heavenly Father saw me just that same way today. God sees the pain in my heart - for myself, for my daughter, for my family. And HE will come after me. He will come after me...sometimes quietly in the things I read or the songs I hear. Sometimes He comes not so quietly - in the words from others whom I know love me, the words I read, the songs I hear.
Here is what I know - He does see us. He does love us with a love we can't even begin to imagine. He gives us the strength to go on - to go on boldly and courageously. It is only with Him that I can go on boldly and courageously. Knowing that He has gone before me to set my path, that He is with me on the path - crooked as I often make it. But He sees me. He sees ME! Sometimes that's all we need - to know that we are seen. I hope I can teach my daughter that even when our friends don't seem to see us - God sees us and He loves us.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
The Heart is a Funny Thing
I really should be asleep right now - and I am sure that the typing will be atrocious! But I just had two conversations of sorts(does texting count as a conversation?) and my mind started going and I thought I should at least get this down before it got lost in the great abyss of a now 46 year old brain!
The first conversation was with a new person in my life. One who has come into it much like a warm spring breeze. The conversation is easy, we talk for hours. The times we are together are full of the hope that comes with the newness of that Spring breeze - knowing that the chill of winter is behind you and that the world is full of new birth, new growth, new life - a hope for the season to come. It is in this conversation that thoughts of the heart (mine in particular) came to mind.
The other conversation was with a dear friend from college. This friend is in a totally different place in life. There is no spring breeze blowing their way right now. It's more of the stillness that comes before a storm. The feeling that comes when you can begin to hear the thunder and see the lightning in the distance - knowing that you are going to have to weather the storm one way or another - but with that completely paralyzing feeling that you have NO idea how - or even if you can.
Which brings me to the "heart" of the matter so to speak. In both of these conversations the heart is the central focus -whether you realize it or admit it or not. The heart not only beats to give us life, but the heart beats as part of our souls. God knew what he was doing when he made the heart the center of our being...it is the center of what keeps us physically alive, but it is also the center of what keeps us emotionally alive. The terms referring to the heart abound: heart ache, heart break, heart soaring, heart about to burst, heart broken, tender-hearted, hard-hearted, open heart, cold hearted - the list goes on and on! Seriously - I actually found a list of heart idioms - it was incredible how many there are! If the brain were the center of our being these terms would be completely different! But it is in our hearts that we feel the pain, the joy, the anxiety, the excitement, the sorrow, the gratitude - all the emotions of our lives. We were designed to physically FEEL them in our hearts.
Isn't that amazing to you? That we can be over joyed and our hearts be about to burst AND at another time we can be so full of grief that we are certain our hearts are going to actually break. Tonight my heart felt both... joy and gratitude - about to burst...then pain for someone hurting - heartache. It is truly amazing to me that even within minutes I can feel the difference between the two emotions in my chest. And what is even more amazing to me is that God gave us this gift to feel so truly deeply - and not just the good stuff, but the bad stuff too.
Now I have had my share of heart ache the past 2 years. The loss of a marriage, the loss of a dear grandmother, the loss of my sweet dad most recently...and the pain I felt - physical pain in my chest - was at times nearly more than I could bear. And it was during these times that I reached for the one and only thing I know to reach for - my awesome God! He held me in His arms, He comforted me with words that He so often shared through others or in my own study of His word, or songs that I would hear or sing. He healed my broken heart, putting it back together piece by precious piece only as quickly as I was ready.
Now I have a new feeling in my chest - and it is a physical feeling as well...but it is one of hope, gratitude, love, joy - for the future is bright and the possibilities are exciting! And yes, that fresh warm spring breeze certainly is contributing to my heart warming condition - but it is more than that.
After a day of hundreds of birthday wishes how could my heart not be full? I have been so blessed by so many people in my life. As I sit here and think about the people who have lifted me in prayer, sent me a note, encouraged me in my ministry hopes and dreams, offered me help and love...how in the world could my heart not be close to overflowing?
So what I have learned over the past 2 years? I have learned from the heartache comes pain, from the pain comes healing, from the healing comes hope, from the hope comes the abundant love of my friends and family - but most importantly the extraordinary love of God!
So if you're full of heartache right now - reach for Him - He can carry you through.
If your heart is full of love and gratitude - reach for those whose hearts are empty and broken. That is what I intend to do - in this - my year of gratitude!
The first conversation was with a new person in my life. One who has come into it much like a warm spring breeze. The conversation is easy, we talk for hours. The times we are together are full of the hope that comes with the newness of that Spring breeze - knowing that the chill of winter is behind you and that the world is full of new birth, new growth, new life - a hope for the season to come. It is in this conversation that thoughts of the heart (mine in particular) came to mind.
The other conversation was with a dear friend from college. This friend is in a totally different place in life. There is no spring breeze blowing their way right now. It's more of the stillness that comes before a storm. The feeling that comes when you can begin to hear the thunder and see the lightning in the distance - knowing that you are going to have to weather the storm one way or another - but with that completely paralyzing feeling that you have NO idea how - or even if you can.
Which brings me to the "heart" of the matter so to speak. In both of these conversations the heart is the central focus -whether you realize it or admit it or not. The heart not only beats to give us life, but the heart beats as part of our souls. God knew what he was doing when he made the heart the center of our being...it is the center of what keeps us physically alive, but it is also the center of what keeps us emotionally alive. The terms referring to the heart abound: heart ache, heart break, heart soaring, heart about to burst, heart broken, tender-hearted, hard-hearted, open heart, cold hearted - the list goes on and on! Seriously - I actually found a list of heart idioms - it was incredible how many there are! If the brain were the center of our being these terms would be completely different! But it is in our hearts that we feel the pain, the joy, the anxiety, the excitement, the sorrow, the gratitude - all the emotions of our lives. We were designed to physically FEEL them in our hearts.
Isn't that amazing to you? That we can be over joyed and our hearts be about to burst AND at another time we can be so full of grief that we are certain our hearts are going to actually break. Tonight my heart felt both... joy and gratitude - about to burst...then pain for someone hurting - heartache. It is truly amazing to me that even within minutes I can feel the difference between the two emotions in my chest. And what is even more amazing to me is that God gave us this gift to feel so truly deeply - and not just the good stuff, but the bad stuff too.
Now I have had my share of heart ache the past 2 years. The loss of a marriage, the loss of a dear grandmother, the loss of my sweet dad most recently...and the pain I felt - physical pain in my chest - was at times nearly more than I could bear. And it was during these times that I reached for the one and only thing I know to reach for - my awesome God! He held me in His arms, He comforted me with words that He so often shared through others or in my own study of His word, or songs that I would hear or sing. He healed my broken heart, putting it back together piece by precious piece only as quickly as I was ready.
Now I have a new feeling in my chest - and it is a physical feeling as well...but it is one of hope, gratitude, love, joy - for the future is bright and the possibilities are exciting! And yes, that fresh warm spring breeze certainly is contributing to my heart warming condition - but it is more than that.
After a day of hundreds of birthday wishes how could my heart not be full? I have been so blessed by so many people in my life. As I sit here and think about the people who have lifted me in prayer, sent me a note, encouraged me in my ministry hopes and dreams, offered me help and love...how in the world could my heart not be close to overflowing?
So what I have learned over the past 2 years? I have learned from the heartache comes pain, from the pain comes healing, from the healing comes hope, from the hope comes the abundant love of my friends and family - but most importantly the extraordinary love of God!
So if you're full of heartache right now - reach for Him - He can carry you through.
If your heart is full of love and gratitude - reach for those whose hearts are empty and broken. That is what I intend to do - in this - my year of gratitude!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Trust - Learning to Once Again
So I woke up this morning with the word "trust" nearly being screamed in my head. It's not everyday that I wake up with some word blaring in my brain...most days I wake up to the dog endlessly whining to get up and FEED HIM...because he IS about to starve to death. (Have you seen my dog..he could go a while without eating and BE JUST FINE). But he gives me a good lead in to the whole trust issue that is foremost on my mind this morning.
See, Bruce(my dog), trusts me to get up and do two things every morning. He trusts me to feed him and to let him out to do his business. Now my order of priorities with that and his are different...he wants to be fed first - I would rather him pee first! It's a thing I have about my carpet! Anyway, that is what trust is...he has placed his confidence, his hope to be fed, in me. He completely expects me to be at home and get up when he decides it time, which has been later than usual the last few weeks, and let him out the back door and fill his bowl with his favorite yummy dog food. Seems simple enough. But what if I'm not home, what if something happened to me? I think of the story of the man and his dog in Japan - if I weren't lazy I would look it up...but the dog met him coming off the train everyday from work...then one day the man died and the dog continued to meet the train - hoping, trusting that the man would finally come home. Makes my heart hurt just thinking about it.
So here is where I am going with all this. Trust is something some of us do very easily, some of us do it too easily, and some of us seem to be unable to do it at all. A friend recently told me that they tend to trust the people they don't have reason to trust and don't trust the people they should. I had to think about this for a minute - but it makes sense really. We trust the people we know the least because they haven't had the opportunity to cause us to NOT trust them. Yet, more than likely, those we are closest to have had more than their fair share of times that they have broken our trust - be it intentionally or not.
I have always considered myself a fairly trusting person. I have always given people the benefit of the doubt in most circumstances. But then there are matters of the heart...it's one thing to trust someone to take the garbage out, clean their room, make you dinner, pay for something, etc...you get the idea - these are more or less physical things that, sure, people might NOT do, but for the most part you know whether you can trust them to do it or not. But when it comes to less physical things and more emotional experiences this is where trust gets a bit more interesting.
The definition of trust according www.dictionary.reference.com is - reliance of the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing, confidence. In my Bible(NIV) it is described as - to place one's confidence in, to hope.
When you get to be in your mid-40's you have certainly experienced having your trust broken, especially in relationships. I have trusted friends and others I care about with my heart, with my feelings, with my deepest desires, dreams and needs many times in the nearly 46 years of my life. Many of those with whom I have placed my trust have proven to be steadfastly trust-worthy. But there have also been times of great heartbreak from my trust being broken by someone. I know that I have broken the trust of those who trusted me as well. It's part of being human, that human condition thing again. As imperfect beings, we are subject to failing others, others failing us and even failing ourselves.
So how do you allow yourself to put your heart out there and trust again? This is what I found myself waking up to this morning. Can you trust, do you trust - not only the other person, but myself! Can I really trust myself this time? It's a risk I know I am willing to take. But not all of us are willing to take that risk to trust others or ourselves in areas of our lives that have caused us hurt and pain before. But for me, in my desire to live a life that is bold and courageous I don't think I have any other choice but to trust again. But there is one I know, without a shadow of a doubt, whom I can trust - God.
The Psalms and Proverbs are full of the word trust. The word trust appears to be mentioned more in those two books of the Bible than nearly any of the others combined!
Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart,and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.
Ah, there it is! That's the verse. If I trust in God, not myself or someone else, and stop trying to understand it all - which I do to my own demise - and simply acknowledge that HE is in control - He will make my path straight! OK - this sort of makes me laugh because my path has been anything but STRAIGHT! But if I had lived a life on this super straight path would I have what I have now? Would I be who I am now? Not likely. Which is where I realize that I have to trust that God is in control and that by leaning on him and acknowledging him as best I can - He will guide me down the next path...and from His point of view the path is straight.
Psalm 56:3 - When I am afraid, I will trust in you. David had been through some STUFF...but he knew above all he had to trust in the Lord. He had experienced the pain caused by human - but he knew time and time again that he could run to his Lord and be safe, protected from the pain and suffering of mortal man.
So as I embark on this new chapter of my life, and move forward into living my life with boldness and courage, I cling to the knowledge that God is the One I can trust. He has seen me through the tough times everytime before and the blessings that He offered as a result were greater than any I could have imagined. I can trust Him with my heart, so I must trust Him to guide me on the path He has made for me. I will trust that those He has placed in my path, though they may at some point cause me pain or hurt - be it intentionally or not - have been placed there by God to be part of my journey. And in that knowledge - as long as I am turning to Him for my guidance and assurance - know that the blessings He has in store for me are even greater still!
That is hope. That is trust. That is the promise of my awesome God!
See, Bruce(my dog), trusts me to get up and do two things every morning. He trusts me to feed him and to let him out to do his business. Now my order of priorities with that and his are different...he wants to be fed first - I would rather him pee first! It's a thing I have about my carpet! Anyway, that is what trust is...he has placed his confidence, his hope to be fed, in me. He completely expects me to be at home and get up when he decides it time, which has been later than usual the last few weeks, and let him out the back door and fill his bowl with his favorite yummy dog food. Seems simple enough. But what if I'm not home, what if something happened to me? I think of the story of the man and his dog in Japan - if I weren't lazy I would look it up...but the dog met him coming off the train everyday from work...then one day the man died and the dog continued to meet the train - hoping, trusting that the man would finally come home. Makes my heart hurt just thinking about it.
So here is where I am going with all this. Trust is something some of us do very easily, some of us do it too easily, and some of us seem to be unable to do it at all. A friend recently told me that they tend to trust the people they don't have reason to trust and don't trust the people they should. I had to think about this for a minute - but it makes sense really. We trust the people we know the least because they haven't had the opportunity to cause us to NOT trust them. Yet, more than likely, those we are closest to have had more than their fair share of times that they have broken our trust - be it intentionally or not.
I have always considered myself a fairly trusting person. I have always given people the benefit of the doubt in most circumstances. But then there are matters of the heart...it's one thing to trust someone to take the garbage out, clean their room, make you dinner, pay for something, etc...you get the idea - these are more or less physical things that, sure, people might NOT do, but for the most part you know whether you can trust them to do it or not. But when it comes to less physical things and more emotional experiences this is where trust gets a bit more interesting.
The definition of trust according www.dictionary.reference.com is - reliance of the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing, confidence. In my Bible(NIV) it is described as - to place one's confidence in, to hope.
When you get to be in your mid-40's you have certainly experienced having your trust broken, especially in relationships. I have trusted friends and others I care about with my heart, with my feelings, with my deepest desires, dreams and needs many times in the nearly 46 years of my life. Many of those with whom I have placed my trust have proven to be steadfastly trust-worthy. But there have also been times of great heartbreak from my trust being broken by someone. I know that I have broken the trust of those who trusted me as well. It's part of being human, that human condition thing again. As imperfect beings, we are subject to failing others, others failing us and even failing ourselves.
So how do you allow yourself to put your heart out there and trust again? This is what I found myself waking up to this morning. Can you trust, do you trust - not only the other person, but myself! Can I really trust myself this time? It's a risk I know I am willing to take. But not all of us are willing to take that risk to trust others or ourselves in areas of our lives that have caused us hurt and pain before. But for me, in my desire to live a life that is bold and courageous I don't think I have any other choice but to trust again. But there is one I know, without a shadow of a doubt, whom I can trust - God.
The Psalms and Proverbs are full of the word trust. The word trust appears to be mentioned more in those two books of the Bible than nearly any of the others combined!
Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart,and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.
Ah, there it is! That's the verse. If I trust in God, not myself or someone else, and stop trying to understand it all - which I do to my own demise - and simply acknowledge that HE is in control - He will make my path straight! OK - this sort of makes me laugh because my path has been anything but STRAIGHT! But if I had lived a life on this super straight path would I have what I have now? Would I be who I am now? Not likely. Which is where I realize that I have to trust that God is in control and that by leaning on him and acknowledging him as best I can - He will guide me down the next path...and from His point of view the path is straight.
Psalm 56:3 - When I am afraid, I will trust in you. David had been through some STUFF...but he knew above all he had to trust in the Lord. He had experienced the pain caused by human - but he knew time and time again that he could run to his Lord and be safe, protected from the pain and suffering of mortal man.
So as I embark on this new chapter of my life, and move forward into living my life with boldness and courage, I cling to the knowledge that God is the One I can trust. He has seen me through the tough times everytime before and the blessings that He offered as a result were greater than any I could have imagined. I can trust Him with my heart, so I must trust Him to guide me on the path He has made for me. I will trust that those He has placed in my path, though they may at some point cause me pain or hurt - be it intentionally or not - have been placed there by God to be part of my journey. And in that knowledge - as long as I am turning to Him for my guidance and assurance - know that the blessings He has in store for me are even greater still!
That is hope. That is trust. That is the promise of my awesome God!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
New Year, New Beginnings, New Hope
I've never been one to be very good at keeping to my New Year's Resolutions. Quite frankly I stink at it! Self-discipline is not my best quality! As a matter of fact it seems that the more I tell myself I WON'T do something - or NEED to do something- the more likely it is I am going to do the very opposite. In Christianity we call this the HUMAN CONDITION.
Paul expresses it so perfectly in Romans 7:15-20...I am using the Message translation.."I'm full of myself -after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary! But I need something more! For I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize I don't have what it takes. I can will it but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but then I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time." Oh boy! Does this describe you? It certainly describes me!
So, it is here that once again - I look forward to a New Year, a fresh new calender - with no marks on it, no scribbles, no mistakes yet. And I have this amazing opportunity to FINALLY GET IT RIGHT!
Oh wait ...see above, Merit - I won't get it right! It's impossible! With every fiber of my being - I alone cannot get it right!
Yet I set these goals for myself today:
Paul expresses it so perfectly in Romans 7:15-20...I am using the Message translation.."I'm full of myself -after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary! But I need something more! For I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize I don't have what it takes. I can will it but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but then I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time." Oh boy! Does this describe you? It certainly describes me!
So, it is here that once again - I look forward to a New Year, a fresh new calender - with no marks on it, no scribbles, no mistakes yet. And I have this amazing opportunity to FINALLY GET IT RIGHT!
Oh wait ...see above, Merit - I won't get it right! It's impossible! With every fiber of my being - I alone cannot get it right!
Yet I set these goals for myself today:
- I will be the best mom I can be - teaching my girls that they can be strong AND loving and caring all at the same time.
- I will strive to be a good and effective teacher at my school for the rest of the year -understanding how I can make a difference in the lives of my students right now.
- I will work hard to do my best in graduate school - managing my time more effectively as best I can - knowing full well this is a challenge for me.
- I will strive to keep balance in my relationships - the new ones and the old ones - allowing them to grow and mature in a healthy way.
- I will work to clean out the clutter that drags me down at home - but give myself some grace to know that it isn't the most important thing I need to focus on.
It all sounds great doesn't it? No problem - I've been called Super Mom more than once in the past 4 months. But that's not who I am striving to be...remember - See above verse from Paul! Sounds admirable and noble and inspiring and blah, blah, blah! I CAN'T DO IT! So what's the point?
The point is this...I CAN do it! If I keep my eye on the prize - the Prize that sets things right, that in this life of contradictions - where I want to do good , be good and live good - offers me the strength and the hope to achieve the victory. It is only through my devotion and focus on the Prize of Jesus Christ that I can even begin to hope to achieve the very least of my dreams and goals. Yet He has even bigger and better plans for me that I understand!
The verse that follows me around...2 Corinthians 12:9..."My grace is enough; it;s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness."(Message again - my favorite!) This, to me at least, says it all. You see that precious list above - those are all the things that I am really weak in...yet - with the strength I have through my relationship with Christ and His abundant grace for when I totally mess up on a daily basis - I have hope! I have the hope that:
- I will be a positive influence in my daughters' lives even in the times I make mistakes...by admitting them.
- I will survive the school year without losing my mind(just being honest here) because I feel called into another vocation that hasn't opened up for me yet AND still have a positive influence on the children I teach.
- I will do the best I can with the time I have to get my work done for school and most importantly enjoy what I am learning even if I don't manage to get an "A" every time!
- I will be okay even when relationships die or change and realize that new ones are always around the corner.
- I will continue to have clutter! There is no getting around this one I am afraid!
So as you look forward to your new year...what are your hopes and dream? What is the source that will sustain you when you break your resolutions, fail at something, are broken hearted, hurt someone you love, see a door close to something you had hoped for? Do you have the source that will offer you peace and abundant love, grace and mercy? I hope you do. Let Christ take over! He can handle it! His mercies are new and shiny every morning!
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