JOURNAL JUNKY® : Today's Story: Another Journal Connection, Random ...

So when you live in the same town as someone you follow on social media and you win one of her products and she is brave enough to let you into her home and studio! This happens....

JOURNAL JUNKY® : Today's Story: Another Journal Connection, Random ...: Last week I had a random moment. An idea to share Journal Junky with others! I love journaling. I believe in the power of writing to create ...

Surprise for me!

http://wnccumc.org/deacon-studies-program-is-life-changing-for-student/

About Iona

I know, right? Two days in a row! Just goes to show that there are still miracles! :)

Today will be short and sweet though! As I promised yesterday, I wanted to share more about Iona. But since I haven't been there yet I decided to simply share this link about Iona. 

The things I have been told are that there are no cars. It's super small like 1 mile by 3 miles. I grew up on an island myself so I understand this concept! Chincoteague was only about 3 miles by 7 miles. I have also been told there are more sheep than people! I think this should be entertaining because I also know that sheep aren't very bright animals and then of course there is SO much theology surrounding sheep. So I'll be paying close attention to those sheep and their shepherds!

(photo from Iona Website)

I have also been told that the rocks at one certain area of the island are very special. My friend Joy told me I have to walk to this spot - it is where Saint Columba landed when he was fleeing his native Ireland following tribal feuds. So I am counting on finding some pretty cool rocks!

(Photo from Iona website)

So all in all - sheep and rocks - oh and of course the people of the Iona Community. But I will share more on that part later!  It appears to be a beautiful place though and I truly cannot wait! 

Only 49 days...

50 Days to Finding More of God

So I am the world's worst blog keeper! I set out every time I write thinking I am going to be consistent - ha...needless to say consistent ISN'T my middle name! More like spastic, sporadic I think. Oh well. After 50 years "I y'am what I y'am!"

So here I go again!

I thought it would be interesting to journal my upcoming journey - which isn't that what a journal is- but a documentation of our journey. The root word is from the French word for "day" - jour. I'll let you ponder that on your own without getting all philosophical on you! But back to my journey...

I leave in 49 days, or 48 depending how you count it for a(nother) trip of a lifetime - Iona Scotland. For someone who doesn't really consider herself a world traveler I have to say I am slowly but surely finding my way around this amazing planet. 

I had never heard of Iona before I started seminary in 2010. That spring one of the classes I would need to graduate was being held in Iona, Scotland - but I wasn't at the point in life or coursework where I could go. Since the professor only teaches that class every other year and only goes to Iona every other time she teaches it that meant I was out of luck. I took the class on the off year she didn't take the class to Iona -  so we met at the undergrad campus of Pfeiffer University in thriving Misenheimer NC. If you have never been to Misenheimer  -  well, don't blink. But it was a lovely two weekend experience and I did find some great things there. Like my dear soul friend Roxane and the Holy Spirit...

Needless to say I was a bit disappointed I wasn't going to be going to Iona - I mean my roots are from Scotland! 'Tis me homeland! My dad even found our clan there and joined their, uhm, club? (more of that in a later post) But, alas lassie - as the tides would turn an opportunity to take this pilgrimage of sorts came in the form of my spiritual direction practicum and acting as a Spiritual Director Assistant to my dear professor on this year's class back to Iona! She asked me before I had even graduated last summer if I would consider it. How long do you think I had to think about it - exactly!

So now it is finally here...and like the way God usually works in my life the timing is impeccable. (Although I am sure my daughters would not necessarily agree...) But as it is, I am at a place where I long to find a deeper relationship with God. To become more in tune with the promptings of the Holy Spirit. And maybe it's just me, but I struggle in the day-to-day life just to be and do the basics. I am so easily distracted. I long to be that contemplative soul who finds profound realizations  - but that just doesn't happen in my chaotic, crazy, inconsistent life. Thankfully God has brought some souls of that sort into my life lately. (more on that later, too)

So journey with me to this Thin Place  - a place where heaven meets earth. I'll share with you more about Iona and what makes it special. I'll share with you what I hear and see - besides lots of sheep as I am told! 

Much of the actual journey there will be on my own - something I haven't done much of - travel solo. And not only is it a long flight over, but I will literally be on a train, a bus and a ferry or two! And even though they speak English, as a dear friend who has been there informed me (We got a huge laugh out of that!), you can't always understand them with their dialect and accent. I mean I know I will sound completely normal of course...

Thankful

So three days ago I read a friend's blog about being thankful and keeping a journal. The same day I  read a devotional that also talked about keeping a thankful journal. I told my blogging friend I got the message yet I didn't begin my journal. So, I've been in this mode of regretting what I haven't done or considering and planning for what I INTEND to do and tonight after this amazing evening with my friend whose blog first inspired me and another friend who has been inspiring me for years...two amazing women...(my husband just called the three of us the God Squad!)...I realized I just needed to start! (Sorry for that incredibly run on sentence!)
But seriously...just start! Don't regret what I didn't do and don't continue to anticipate what I'm going to do...JUST DO IT!
So here it is...my first entry of my thankful list!
1) My amazing women friends
2) My wonderful and patient husband
3) My clean bathroom
4) Red wine
5) Warm days after days of bitter cold...this southern girl does not like winter.
Bam. I did it. 

The Countdown to...

So, I am the most pathetic blogger. Probably not in the history of blogging, but I am pretty lame. I really did have great intentions, but we all know what they say about good intentions...

So I am going to try once again! And this time I am really motivated! (cough,cough) But seriously. I. Am. I have those negative thoughts that no one really cares what I have to say, why would ANYONE want to read my silly blog posts. But then I realize that I do have something to say - and if no one wants to read it - that's okay. Maybe if nothing else my daughters will read them when they are grown and realize that their mother was as kooky as they thought! It might even save them some money on counseling!

Okay - all kidding aside. I do want to share my journey. My story. Because what I have learned in the past however many years  - I'd say at least throughout my 40's  - is that you just never know who might learn something from an experience you have had or someone might just need to know they aren't alone in the situation. So, maybe my words will help someone. Or make them laugh. Or even cry. But at least they will know they are not alone.

My current "life situation" is pretty easy to sum up! 

In two months I'm turning FIFTY! Yep, the BIG 5-0!! I know, right!? How can that be! I swear I just turned 40 a few minutes ago! Really, I did! (insert screeching tire sound here!)
Obviously it's been a little longer than that, but none the less...

So here is the deal HUMANS (my new favorite way to address the masses - all 2 of you reading this - which I am stealing from actor Tim Daly who is the hot, theologian husband on my new favorite show Madame Secretary), I am not exactly where I hoped and dreamed I would be as I approach 50. It's like this - I am out of shape, I am not as healthy as I would like to be, I am not serving where I truly believe God has called me to serve. I have become complacent, discouraged and even apathetic! This is not a good place for a Seven to be.  I have an amazing husband and two incredible daughters and that is more than I deserve - but I know I can be more and do more!
So today I begin a journey - to wholeness, to living wholeheartedly, to getting into shape and most important of all - to seeking to follow God's will for my life no matter how unequipped or inadequate I might believe I am - because I know God equips the called. 
I won't likely post every day - but I will attempt to share my journey. I will be looking for a new perspective. Continuing on the path to being bold and courageous. Seeking to live a life worthy of the blessings.
Join me as I enter the fifth decade of my life  - Fabulous at 50! That's my new mantra!

Really, Dude?

So I know...I am the Biggest. Blog. Slacker. Ever. But I haven't been inspired lately. And honestly, I'm not feeling inspired now either. But something compelled me to write about the past 36 hours - give or take a few hours on one end or the other.

Wednesday was one of those days that I would like to erase out of the history books. Just press DELETE and move on. But it was also one of those days when much of what "went down" is going to have a lasting effect on one way or another. And quite frankly folks - IT SUCKED! I know that isn't nice church lady language but there just isn't another word that sums it up quite like that one does!

Here is a synopsis of the day: Bad EOG (end of grade standardized tests) proctoring experience, difficult conversation at lunch, my friend from California had to cancel her trip here, my youngest daughter didn't make the cheer team, bad health news from a very close family member, more bad news from one of my mission friends. And the worst part of the day (insert sarcasm here folks!) was I couldn't find non-scented candles for my friend doing the Pentecost altar-scape in the colors she wanted! Anyway  - it was a bummer of a day if you get my drift. One of those days when I found myself saying, "Really God?"

We all have those days. Then today I met a new friend and as we were sharing things about ourselves and I was (still) kvetching (I love that word and how it is spelled!) about my day yesterday, she told me that when she has those days, weeks....whatever the time frame of the STUFF we go through, that she calls God "Dude!" Now I have been a regular user of the word "dude" for years now. Just ask my kids! But this was like the Holy Grail to me for some reason! And I know - some of you out there are going to get all holier than thou and think I am being disrespectful to God and so on...but hear me out! Or not - it doesn't bother me if you tune out! But...here is the thing - I consider God my friend. He hears all the yucky stuff anyway so being able to say "Really Dude?" somehow makes it more personal to me. Like God might really perk His ears up and hear me. That it will somehow help ME get the point across a little clearer that I am NOT happy about the current state of affairs!

I know - it seems sort of silly. But I like it! And tonight as my still heart-broken daughter headed upstairs berating herself and her shortcomings I could only raise my hands to my loving Father and say, "Really Dude?" And then I giggled - which made me feel slightly better...and gave me a new perspective on the happenings of the past two days.

What really cracked me up was as I was leaving my lunch date with my new friend I walked past a car and saw this...

Now what are the odds of that? I didn't have any idea what this bumper sticker was actually all about until about two minutes ago when I was googling the word ABIDE and found that it is a common quote from the movie The Big Lebowski. (Guess I'll have to watch that one now!) Since I don't believe in coincidences I know this was stuck there for me to see! And yes, THE DUDE DOES ABIDE! My favorite use of the word abide, as I was googling, was "to remain; continue; stay"  - yep, that about sums it up. Even when the chips are down and the day needs to be deleted, DUDE ABIDES! God is there for me. He is right there - ready to carry me through the stuff, ready to guide me through the carnage, ready to bring new friends into my life who unknowingly offer just a tidbit of hope and humor by being willing to share something personal to them. 

So as I sift through the events and news of the past two days (and months if I am really being honest here) I can look up and say "Really Dude?" and know that My Dude Abides. He is right there when I need Him the most - and even brings a smile to my face through His amazing sense of humor! 

An End and a Beginning

Today was the first day of Spring. It mostly felt like it - at least if you could dodge the wind and soak up the sunshine it felt like it. 

Spring is the time of new birth, rebirth, starting over...and for us Christians a time to look forward to the resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ. For me today was not only a beginning but an end. 

I have spent the last four years slowly but surely working toward attaining my graduate degree in Practical Theology. I started this journey in the fall of 2010...after a year and a half of really hard stuff in my life. I'll sum it up quickly for you:
2008 - Financial/real estate industry crashed, had to sell my dream house, my marriage began to unravel, I went back to work full-time after 10 years as a stay-at-home mom
2009 - My now ex-husband and I separated and my dear grandmother died all within 6 weeks (during the spring I might add)
2010 - My father died (spring also)

Good things happened in the midst of all that craziness as well - but that time was intense and I sometimes wonder how I survived it all - but well... I know the answer! And just to prove to me that He was in control God pressed harder about this so called calling into ministry.

So Fall 2010 I enrolled in my first graduate class, History of Christianity. I wondered what I had gotten myself into as I read the syllabus. I was certain I had gotten in over my head. But I stuck with it and here I am four years later! DONE! With all A's I might add! (I am pretty proud of that since I worked full-time most of that time as a single parent!)

The final piece of my degree requirements was to do what is called CPE - Clinical Pastoral Education - otherwise known as a chaplaincy internship. I really didn't want to do it - it seemed unnecessary to me. I tried to do something else, but (thankfully) the department chair said no! So here I am done with CPE and I must say it was perhaps the most important part of my training and education. 

Not to say that the classes I had weren't wonderful, and the professors were great - but this experience was putting the rubber to the road. When our precious CPE supervisor told us we were just going to go "do it" we really thought we would at least follow him around one or two weeks and get a feel for it. Oh, but no! We really did just have to go "do it!" 

I read something the other day that said "Life doesn't begin until you get out of your comfort zone!" Well - if that is the case - my life began six months ago when I started my CPE experience!

I have laughed, cried, and even argued. I have lost sleep, eaten bad hospital food, and seen things I never really wanted to see. But I have also heard precious stories, sat with families who just lost loved ones, held mothers terrified for their one month old babies who were so very sick and offered hope and encouragement to young people who seemed to have none. Being with people in their time of need, worry, sickness, loss and death is the most awesome privilege I could ever have had. I have been humbled. I have learned to listen and to wait. I have found that I can hear a story and not have to share my own similar experience. I have learned that it really isn't all about me.

I have also gained 8 very dear friends. The seven people I went through this experience with will always have a special place in my heart. I could not have survived without them. We leaned on one another, sought each other's advice, laughed till we cried, read silly books, argued over theology, ate together and nearly blew up our phones with texting madness! I love them dearly. They are, as my friend Marie said, "tools in my tool belt." And the 8th, my dear supervisor - what a gem of a human being. He is definitely where he needs to be. 

So as this chapter of my life ends, I look forward to waking up tomorrow and knowing that I have done what I needed to do. I have been successful. I can really say to myself, "Job well done Merit." And I know that I know that it was all through the power and grace of God and the people He placed in my path these past four years. It took a village - for real! My only regret is that my dear Granny and my dad aren't here to celebrate with me. But they know...

I look forward to that next chapter...I think it's gonna be a great one!

The Road to Nicaragua

It's been since April of 2012 that I wrote here. Sad. Disappointing. Life of a working mom going to grad school? Lack of inspiration? Lame? I fear it is the latter! But a dear pastor reminded us this morning, at the 20th Anniversary of the church he planted, God's mercies are new every morning! Great is God's faithfulness!

So it is with those new mercies that we can begin again, and again and again! Ever seeking to be faithful in return to God's faithfulness to us. As undeserved as it is. So I begin here, at this blog spot again. Why not? Seems a good time to do so...as I look forward to so much...

• To the coming of the King
• To finishing my Master's of Practical Theology degree
• To returning to a special place called El Ayundante Nicaragua
• To a new year with my sweet, patient, handsome and amazing husband
• To being home more with my fabulous teenage daughters
• To seeing where God might call me to GO!

Speaking of GO! During Lent last year, Rethink Church, a really cool ministry of the United Methodist Church that I would love to work for someday, did this photo challenge. I participated for most of it, but I petered out at the end - typical! So this time it is shorter - maybe 25 days will be easier than 40 days?- and so I am giving it another GO!

 That word GO! It keeps popping up in my life the past year. First I was called to GO to Nicaragua, then I was called to GO to my first church job at Biltmore United Methodist Church, and then I was called to GO to Rutherford Regional Hospital to do my Clinical Pastoral Education (chaplaincy internship), and now I am called to GO back to Nicaragua with my daughters! That word, GO! became part of my first (and only) sermon that I preached in July. GO! DO! LOVE! 

So isn't it fitting that the first day of the Rethink Church photo challenge for Advent is GO!? GO figure! 

So here is my picture for GO...

My caption says - Sometimes we are called to GO and we don't even know where we are going or how we are going to get there! But if we believe God is faithful we will go anyway!

So going back to Nicaragua this year wasn't what I really thought we should do. But again I am reminded that God is faithful. So the money will come somehow and we will get there safely even though the girls and I arrive an hour in Managua before the rest of the team and that scares me a little, okay - a lot! But when I hear Mack, that founding pastor, speak of a ministry that began years ago in Nicaragua because of his being faithful and listening to God and obeying, then I know I must GO!

Remembering and Re-Membering

How can it already have been nearly 3 weeks since I last posted? I mean yes, Spring Break and a trip to Wine Country with my most favorite Wine Guy and events of importance there and trudging back to work for 7 more weeks and back to grad school for a few more weeks seem to have made the last, nearly 21 days, seem like a time warp. But actually that IS my life.

So now I am ALMOST at a point of taking that deep breath and releasing that heavy sigh - if I could ONLY get this darn paper to start writing itself. Seems it should be easy enough - 15-20 pages about...ME! I know, right? This should be a no-brainer...I mean I get to talk about ME! For lots of pages! UGH! Not as easy as you might be led to believe...and I am either using this platform to further procrastinate or hoping (praying) that it will be some sort of a catalyst to this odd sort of writer's block I feel I am experiencing. And of course, I do work best under pressure! (Wink, wink)

April has been a big month here in the Life of Merit. I've been doing a lot of remembering. It didn't start out this way...I was trying to do some forgetting. I now, thank my dear and loving God for not letting me forget - but nudging me  to remember. The remembering all began during Holy Week. How can you not remember? Remember the ultimate scarifice made for me, for you, for the world in the greatest act of unconditional love ever made in the history of humankind - Christ's death on the cross to redeem me, you and everyone who will receive the gift. That is where we need to start our remembering.

Then someone was courageous and fought for me. He wasn't willing to just sit back and watch me slowly slip away - because I was forgetting and all caught up in the Me of MErit...he reached out and grabbed me and said he wanted ME...despite ME! And the trip to Wine Country with Wine Guy was more remembering. Remembering what an amazing, loving, compassionate, caring, genuine person he is. That he encourages me and thinks I can do something good. And that we love so many of the same things. That we love to laugh and drink wine and eat good food and just be together. And when we travel we actually do it well without arguing or getting mad about schedules or directions. And what the heck was I thinking? Sheesh, that was a close one! I will always remember he fought for ME.

I felt sort of dis-membered once I returned from California..the red-eye alone could set a person back for months! I felt like pieces of me were scattered between here and there...and just when I thought I had gathered all the pieces and was about to move forward my sweet dog was hurt and I had to put him down. And it was sad and hard, but people I love and who love me were there with me and that made all the difference in the world. I keep remembering Bruce though - as I walk out of the bathroom in the morning and he isn't there, as I come home and he isn't there, as I get to sleep in for a change...and he isn't waking me up to be fed - who thought I would ever miss that? But I remember how he sat by my side as I cried and cried nearly 4 years ago as my marriage fell apart. How he would force his nose up under my arm so I would pet him. How I would lie next to him and warp my arms around his neck and feel his soft fur and feel him relax with my touch. That I will always remember.

Today, I especially remember my dear sweet Dad. The loving, loyal, intelligent, genuine, musical, God loving, Bourbon drinking guy who had his name on a brass plate at the pub he loved so dearly. "Where everybody knew his name" and if someone was sitting at his barstool they were kindly told "Dr. Bob is here and you are in his seat."  And I remember how much I wish I had more time to tell him how much I loved him and how he made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and how I remembered how he would rub my head when I didn't feel good and how I wished we could ride in the old truck to kindergarten one more time and sing silly songs. And to tell him that he would be so proud of his grand-daughters and he could tell them how beautiful they are too.

And all this remembering makes me remember again the sacrifice that was made for ME. That He died and rose and for that I am free. For that I am free to be who God designed me to be. And I will still sometimes forget...forget that people, and dogs, love me. I will forget that I don't have to be afraid to live my life boldly and courageously and ON FIRE for Him! So what am I waiting for?

I need to remember...the Eucharisteo...the GRACE, the Thanksgiving, the JOY - all a gift...for me to embrace...and share and remember.

Die to Live...Then the Moon

So today started off pretty good - I mean I got to sleep in sort of...well - not at all because I have this old pitiful dog named Bruce and he decided he was hungry at 5:38...so I got up and fed him, but then he needed out and then he whined for an hour and then I gave up...and just got "up" -which means I was still in bed but I was awake with the light on and my coffee trying to get into this next Joyce Rupp book..which maybe it is too soon for after the last one that has ROCKED my world...ANYWAY...

I thought I was going to be productive...clean out the fridge-  which is at critical mass - which in and of itself is comical because we never eat at home so where *DOES* the food in there come from anyway...and the floor really needs vacuumed and, and, and....you get the picture.

But it was not to be...my friend Becky said she could "go with the flow" since my schedule seemed out of my control...I said I "felt like I was being beaten by the waves into a rocky shoreline and why hadn't the coast guard put out the flag to warn"...I was just off a phone conversation I was not expecting or prepared to have; I had run the girls here and there; I didn't get to spend the time with Becky I had intended and my fridge was still acting as a petri dish for the next medical breakthrough of the 21st century.  Her sweet and perfect text response - "that means u will b shiny smooth and pretty when u come 2 shore." That is why I love her! It made me stop and take a breath and tears (as usual) came to my eyes. Thank you sweet friend.

So, in the back of mind my all day has been this day -Good Friday...but what could be good about it? I mean - do you know what we did to HIM? Can you even begin to imagine a death so painful? I still haven't watched the Passion of Christ because I am not completely sure I would ever recover...
But there is something good...it's that HE did it! HE - Yeshua - fulfilled the law...all of it. Last week at the Passover experience - the JEW telling the story said - "This is what WE (Christians) have that NO other religion offers - the completion- the fulfillment of the Torah (Law)." And it was through the Seder plate and the Passover experience that this is so obvious...and amazing and so...GOD!

And so today I get it...We must die to live. We must DIE to live. We must die to LIVE people! How crazy is that? But that is what, like nearly every single day of my life, I must do - over and over again..DIE so that I can LIVE! He did it FOR ME - because HE loves me that crazy much. Because He wants ME to live - not just get through it - but to LIVE! I mean LIVE! Do you hear me? LIVE!!! So every bashing against those rocks is just one more chance to LIVE - to be shinysmoothandpretty!

(and this picture does no justice to the sight we saw tonight)

And as we laid Yeshua to rest in that tomb tonight - dark and cold...so dark and cold...we turn to see the MOON - and I mean the MOON - round and huge and orange and amazing and the most awesome sight ever to behold  - right here in the parking lot of  Mills River United Methodist Church...and I know that HE LIVES and that because HE LIVES...I MUST LIVE - BOLDLY and COURAGEOUSLY - trusting and faithfully - unafraid and KNOWING that HE LOVES me...

And the JOYGIFT is just that - to be smashed against the rocks and come out shinysmoothandpretty - because I LIVE because HE DIED and ROSE AGAIN...

And the Eucharisteo continues to overflow...the GRACE, the THANKSGIVING, the JOY...

Stinky Jealous Feet

Maundy Thursday

Perhaps for me this is one of the more powerful days of the Christian calendar. Ever since my weekend at Walk to Emmaus in  2010 - soon after two significant events in my life... the loss of my father and my divorce being final - I have considered Communion in a whole different light. The power of love in the act of breaking bread and receiving the wine became so overwhelming that I rarely can receive the elements without tears. But tonight, at our service at Mills River United Methodist Church, in little old Mills River, NC...the power of love was not only overwhelming, but humbling beyond words.

What made the difference tonight?

Foot washing...

 

Have you ever had your feet washed by someone else?

Would you?

Would you allow someone else - your pastor or perhaps even an enemy -

to wash your feet in front of others?

In biblical times this was the most humiliating act  - done typically by a slave for his master. What could be lower? Washing the dirt and dust and grime off of someone's calloused and dirty, do I dare say... stinky feet. Yet JESUS, Yeshua as I have come to know him from my Passover experience last weekend, did this. He washed the feet of his Disciples - even the feet of the one he knew was about to betray him.

And so tonight, through my tears humble, I had my feet washed by the beautiful pastor  - the same one I have had feelings of jealousy towards. Yes, jealousy. And I am not proud of it - it humbles me even further..but she lovingly washed my nasty/stinky/in flats with no socks all day feet. And she did it with genuine Christ-like love for me. And I sat there and tears rolled down my face. Because she might as well have been Yeshua - right there at my nasty, unworthy feet - kissing them. Kissing away the envy, the pain, the hurt, the it's all about me stuff that often dominates my heart, mind and spirit. She loves...Yeshua-Jesus loves... even me.

So it is through this act of total love and grace that I come to more fully understand the New Commandment Yeshua has called me to. To love one another - as He loves me. Not as He "loved us." But as HE LOVES ME RIGHT NOW.  To surrender to the love. To remember that we are -EACH, all of us, LOVED BY HIM. And that I must learn to love the hard to love, because guess what...I am one of them.

And the Eucharisteo is overflowing - the grace, the thanksgiving, the joy...

First Thoughts After A Threshold Encounter

So it's been a while. A too long while. But I'm here now and I think I might be comin' round more often now too. I've been challenged to write more. I've never considered myself a writer, more of a talker. But I have found a love of writing..so I am going to feed that love as much as I can.

You know - the whole world of blogging is sort of intimidating these days...so many amazing blogs out there. So it's easy to tell yourself - why one more? What do I have to say that anyone wants to read. But I think maybe I do. And does it really matter if anyone reads it anyway? I mean, sure it would be great to end up with a  book offer or at the very least with a few sponsors who pay you a little dribble of cash or goods for your space...but that's not why I write. It's in the hopes of touching some one's life. Of turning over something that they have been wrestling with and needed a new perspective. Or encouraging someone going through something similar to what I have experienced...just by the sheer act of sharing this thing called life.

So I am going to write - tonight I am just writing - the things that come into my head..I know - that is scary. I am not one to sit and ponder the next post - I am more of a feel it, think it, write it kinda gal. I want it to be real. It sure isn't going to be flowery or beautifully posed like my favorite blogger turned author and overnight phenom - but maybe, just maybe it'll touch just one person who needed to read it, hear it, know that some one else has felt it and gets it.

I giggled when I saw my last post - Favorite People - because I was just thinking about some of them tonight. And there is one who is going through a really tough transition in her life and all I can think about is how I really want to be there for her. I know her pain - for the most part - though our situations were different. But I know the pain of losing a marriage, a home, a way of life. Moving to a new house and "starting over". But I also know - she will be okay. In fact, I know that she will be better than okay. She is going to be incredible. Hope. That is how I know. Because there is HOPE.
Hope is not in the things seen, but in the things unseen. And without hope - what is there. And when she, every now and then, thinks there is no HOPE I will come up beside her, along with her other HopeGiverFriends and offer her some of my HOPE. Because you can share HOPE. It's a perfect gift. Doesn't need a box or a bow...just a hug or a shoulder and a smile and a word of encouragement. Sometimes it might need a raucous girls' night out with laughing and loving and crying...that is the best way to share hope I think.

So I think I need to change the title of my post...cause you are surely confused...but maybe not. Because after a threshold encounter you find something, some ONE most incredible and amazing and the mystery of it all makes you want to share something...can you guess? I think you already know...

Favorite People

   This afternoon one of my favorite people came to visit me. Turns out he even drove out of his way to come see me. How sweet is that. I hope the special "Irish-Italian" spaghetti made it worth his while! I met Dennis this past summer when I went on my first deployment with Rapid Response Team of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association(wow, that's a mouthful).  He was one of the team leaders - or something like that - crew leaders - I don't remember what they call it. But anyway - he quickly became one of my "Favorite People" (FP). His commitment to Samaritan's Purse(SP) and his love of the Lord were so incredibly evident to those of us blessed to get to know him. But he wouldn't like all this talk about himself...but nonetheless it's true. He spends his life (for now anyway - as he told me "Until God tells me to do something else or I fall off a roof" - I hope it's not the latter) traveling around the country mostly with SP to help with disaster recovery and rebuilds. If he isn't with SP he is out there helping someone else. To me he is a true modern day disciple. He has left most everything behind and followed The Call to serve his Lord. It means lots of time on the road, little privacy, hard work and being with strangers a great deal of the time. He doesn't seem to mind though.
   Sometimes this sounds like a great life to me. Go help where people need you, serve the Lord, little material crap to drag you down. But I don't think this is a realistic lifestyle for me at the present time - my two middle school daughters might take issue! And I would tire quickly of community living and showers! One week here and there is about all I prefer to endure! I like my own bed and my own bathroom. So his willingness to go without those things makes him a pretty amazing guy to me.
   But I've gone off topic here a  bit - because my title is Favorite People...so returning from my bunny trail...another of my FP's went away today. She's a gal I teach with at my school. She teaches art and drama and we have eaten lunch together everyday for the past year with the exception of the month in the summer we were out. She's had a tough go here recently and she has held her head up and been so strong and amazing through a very hard and dark and painful time. She is beautiful, funny, and caring and I am so sad to see her go. I had two other FP's from work leave me this past fall when one retired and the other went to another school. So now all my FP's have gone and lunch isn't the same. Now I eat with some other wonderful people, but these 3 are very special to me. 
   The FP's in our lives carry us through the tough stuff, they inspire us, they laugh with us and even sometimes at us, they encourage us, they call us on our stuff sometimes too. There are probably about 6-8 people I consider my FP's. I get incredibly excited when I know I am going to see them. They bring me joy. I know I can just jump in with them and they will follow right along with the storyline even if it's been awhile.  They accept me as I am - all lumpy and bumpy and imperfect. They tolerate my loud laugh - some even like it.
Who are your FP's? DO they know they are your FP's? I try to make sure mine know-  but I know I could do a much better job. I think I am going to work on that. Boy the list of things I need to work on sure is getting long....

Intentionally Writing, Yet Oh So Tired!

So I started my Spiritual Formation class last night at Pfeiffer University.  I get up at 5:30 or 6:00 most mornings and on class nights I have to drive 2 hours there and 2 hours back and so it is 11:00pm before I get home. That's a long day. So, needless to say - I'm tired tonight. I should have been reading for class and writing earlier rather than plopped on the couch watching the season opener of American Idol with my two girls. But I made that choice-  intentionally.
One of our tasks in this class is to keep a journal. It always amazes me how many people have NEVER kept a journal. Where do you put all those thoughts? What do you do with them? Anyway, I have kept journals on and off my entire life. They have gotten me into trouble on at least two occassions. Boyfriends should NEVER read their girlfriends' journals - I'm just saying! Guess they had it coming.
So I have decided that I am going to write mine in this blog. Now perhaps I should just start a new blog and keep it more to myself. But as I have thought about this for the past week or so, realizing that I am already behind in my own goal with this blog and my living life intentionally this year - I figured this is the way to do it. I am just going to be very bold and very courageous and really put myself out there and use my blog as my journal. Now I usually prayer journal my personal and spiritual struggles with God in a notebook. I have in the past nearly 2 years that I have had this blog shared some of that with you - whoever "you" might be. I guess there are one or two of "you" out there anyway! ;) But I am going to TRY, and I emphasize TRY, to be out there and honest for the next 14 weeks as I journey through this class and my journaling.
Here is what I hope to accomplish through the class:
1) A better understanding of my calling. I feel like I have lost touch with it, with God and quite honestly sometimes, with myself. I want to know that I know that I know what God has called me to and for. I need to know for certain that it wasn't this romantic notion I had in my head based on the events and people in my life at the time. I was certain then, so why am I no longer certain. Is it a coincidence that I have heard two sermons on "calling" this week?
2) To grow closer in my relationship with God. Period.
3) To learn skills that will help me to help others in their journey of faith.
4) To build my spiritual muscle through the classic disciplines of faith - learning new ones, trying ones I have never tried before and strengthening the ones that I find fit me best.
5) An "A". I told you I was going to be honest. I like getting "A's" and so I do - I want an "A"!
So, here we are. Sort of a take-off point. Some days I may write a lot and some very little. I may even try my hand at art and photography - assuming I can figure out how to add that stuff to my blog!
Feel free to journey with me. I would love for you to share your thoughts and comments with me.
Now - it's time for bed. Good night.

Fitting In...

I have about three posts running in my head right now...but as I was getting ready for bed tonight, after putting my two vastly different daughters to bed..this one came to me...we'll see where it goes.

My youngest was hit with a nasty stomach bug Sunday night, was diSTRESSed that she was going to miss school not only Monday, but obviously today too. Thankfully today ended up being a snow day  -so she only missed school one day. My oldest I think secretly wanted to get the bug or some form of it so she COULD stay home. So anyway, as I was tucking my youngest in she was in tears because she thought she wasn't prepared for tomorrow. This kid is more organized than most adults - and it is painful to see her get so upset over stuff all the time. Whereas my oldest - who is extremely smart and hasn't had to work hard through school - unlike her sister - seems to care less lately. I can't seem to get her to care! One needs to care less and the other just needs to care more than she currently does which seems like NONE!

Now - the oldest seems cool with her group of nerdy friends - they pride themselves in being nerds or geeks - whichever it is. Different girlfriends come and go and she never seems bothered by it. She just does her thing and SEEMS to be fine with it all  The youngest is really having a tough time finding her niche of friends this year. Sixth grade has been a big transition friend-wise for her-she doesn't seem to know where she fits in, her best friend of 5 years seems to have found new best friends and it is killing her. It is all causing her great STRESS.  I'm pretty sure she is well on her way to an ulcer at the ripe old age of 11!

All that to get to where I was going in the first place - fitting in. So lately I can relate to Daughter 2(D2). I just haven't been sure where I fit in these days. I keep telling myself I'm okay with it - but it does sort of get to me sometimes. I don't feel like I fit in at my church any longer - funny how starting seminary got in between me and church. I don't feel like I fit in with my usual group of girlfriends - they are all married and I don't know - it's just different lately. I love them, but I just feel like an outlier. (Is that the right word? You know in math when something is way out there from the rest of the group?)  I know I don't fit into my job - enough said on that. So, why am I at this point? Why has God brought me here? (Yes, I believe God is responsible!)

Well - I think I get it - or I hope I do anyway! I am an outlier because God needs me to be. He is moving me away from the familiar and what I am comfortable with and towards a new direction. Fitting in (which is part of our human condition - we want to belong) isn't  what will take us to the new and exciting places we want to go. Just think of all the great men and women who seemed odd or crazy in history...did they fit in? (I'd name some examples but the only one that comes to mind is Einstein!) So I'm trying to learn to accept that this phase is just part of the journey to what God has in store for me next. Jesus certainly didn't fit in to his culture. I wish I could somehow explain that to D2 - to learn to embrace being different and not always fitting in. To be BOLD and COURAGEOUS in who she is (who I am) and what she believes (and what I believe) and what is important to her (and what is important to me)...

I think D1 has embraced it.
She likes it when I tell her she is weird!
Now if I could just get her to care...

A New Year - A New Life

I've been lurking around many amazing blogs lately. I had no idea what all was out there until just a few months ago. One blog lead to another and then another! I am still completely clueless about the whole linking thing, and one of my goals is to figure it out. But you have to have something to link first - right? And there are people out there making money just through their blogging! Women are publishing books as a result of their blogs! Amazing to me!
So, my goals for the new year -although I haven't worked through them specifically yet...are summed up by two words. LIVING INTENTIONALLY!
One of my favorite bloggers used this in one of her posts a while back - I would link you to it if a) I knew how and b) I could remember exactly which one it was! But anyway...it really resonated with me then and then this morning another gal - who blogs and used to teach computer technology and I would love to meet cause she seems so incredibly cool...used it on this really cool poster thing she made with all her resolutions on it! Seems to be a theme!
So, I am going to begin my New Year trying to live intentionally. Funny how right off the bat - as I was way ready to get up do my devotional, lunch already packed - life showed up in the form of my 11 year old daughter with a wicked stomach bug! LOL! The irony of it all!
But I will work to intentionally live up to my blog title...Living Bold and Courageous. The only one stopping me is ME!
It means I will have to get up and be ready to go. It means I will have to make myself move. It means I will have to make better choices of what I eat. It means I will have to plan ahead. It means I will have to say "no", but it might mean I have to say "yes" as well. It means I put God first. It means I focus on my daughters more than anyone else. It means I do the hard work still to be done. It means I play more and laugh more. It means I clean out the crap - physically and emotionally. It means I see God, seek God, EXPECT God and TRUST God. It means I let go of MY expectations and allow God to lead me. It means giving every red cent that I earn a name for what it is doing. It means sometimes having to tell my girls "no, not right now". It means teaching them the value of every red cent. It means giving all that we can give to those who need it way more than we do. It means showing those I love how much I really do love them. It means speaking positive and encouraging words. It means seeing the grace, giving thanks and living the joy.
Maybe my resolution should be "Living Eucharisteo" to borrow from my favorite book, One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. ThanksLIVING...as I think she or one of the other bloggers who knows her calls it.
So, in the midst of an unplanned day off, with stomach bug ridden daughter, I begin my year of living eucharisteo intentionally.

Isolated Isolation

Longing for isolation...longing to NOT be or feel isolated. Funny how this week as I am trying to formulate the words to share with some young people in a few months the theme of which is faith...from the standpoint of God always being there for us...I find myself feeling both isolated and yet longing for isolation at the same time! How can that even be?
OK - so maybe it's not as weird as it sounds to me. I feel isolated from my friends, from my church family, even from the love in my life - I guess the distance is getting old. I am so busy with work, grad school, and kids there seems to be little time left for friends, fun and relaxing... and just me. It has seemed like when I post something on the dreaded Facebook in the never-ending stream from my girlfriends my posts are ignored...like they are invisible, like they have forgotten who I am. But who can blame them...all I do is work, study, go see my love when I have a chance, so maybe they have felt neglected too. But it's sort of funny how even at the age of 46 I can still get that "left out" feeling. I don't like it now any more than I did 30 years ago.
"That feeling" nagged me many nights in my teens and 20's...the longing to be part of something, to be included, to be wanted, desired...even loved. That feeling resulted in poor decisions being made that changed the course of my life over 30 years ago. So, how could it still plague me? What is it's source?
At this point I do KNOW what the source is...it's the God-shaped hole inside my heart, inside your heart, inside every living breathing human being's heart. And yes, I know that only God can fill it. No other person, man or woman, child or adult, can fill that hole. No matter what they do or say to me to make me "feel" included, desired, loved, wanted, valued. But allowing God and only God to fill it takes courage to believe - it takes faith. Faith is that which you believe in that cannot be seen and I think I might even add "felt" from the physical aspect too. Because it's really easy to feel included, loved, wanted, desired...when someone has their arms wrapped around you. But allowing God to wrap His arms around us is a whole other story. Faith...Merriam-Webster defines it as "belief and trust in and loyalty to God".
Interesting I think...belief and trust - got the belief part - but TRUST?...and LOYALTY?! Wow! I think that is eye-opening! Have I trusted Him lately? Have I given up control and handed it over to Him? Hardly - I am still trying to steer as hard as ever! Have I been loyal to the God who has carried me through the worst of times? An emphatic NO is the only answer. I've allowed Him to slip to the bottom of the list. I've put someone else in front of him, I've replaced Bible study and reading with reading Old Testament textbooks and writing papers. I have this vision of God just oozing out of my heart - that God-shaped hole starting to gape open again.
So where is my FAITH? I have realized that is the reason I have been longing for some isolation. Some quiet, uninterrupted, no-paper-due time to sit and listen to what He has to say to me. To be able to tell God what I long for and how thankful I truly am even though all it seems I can do lately is whine and complain. To simply enter His presence and be..isolated with my awesome and loving God. Believe. Trust. Be Loyal to. It's time for me to find my FAITH again.

Where is Grace? Or is it Merit?

So it's been one of those days...I have to stop and wonder - who have I become? Where did the real Merit go? Have I ever met her in the first place? She seems to have gotten lost somewhere...under all the stuff life is apt to throw at us. I guess some people must have some sort of Teflon exterior and the "stuff" just slides off...not me - I am fairly certain I must have gone through a Velcro factory or something cause I am feeling like everything is STICKING TO ME!

And the stickiness isn't really very attractive. It makes me so many things I DO NOT want to be...cynical, jealous, pessimistic, doubt-filled, impatient...just down right grumpy too. It's not fun.

I had a friend who used to call me "Gracie". I say used to because we are still two people who know each other, but the relationship changed - if you get my drift. I never really understood why this person decided one day - in the oddest of places - Moe's..."Welcome to Moe's" - to call me this - but it stuck. It is certainly a name I strive to live into. Gosh, light bulb moment just this instant...my own name...Merit - now that has a significant meaning too...and it even is part of the definition of grace - unmerited favor, unconditional love. (I realize that already less than 2 paragraphs in I am rambling and all over the place - but stay with me and this might end up somewhere!) So...my name...Merit - it means, according to Merriam-Webster - "a praiseworthy quality; character or conduct deserving reward, honor or esteem". Great - now I feel even worse than I already did tonight. Not living up to either of those names at this moment.

So back to today...I went from feeling somewhat frustrated and helplessly hopeless due to the wonderful budget news regarding the state of my job next year, to this amazing feeling of - HEY GIRL - maybe this is your chance...take that leap of faith you have been avoiding the past 9 months and see what God does. That "you can do it" attitude lasted all of about 1 hour. What gives? Then I find myself being jealous of someone I have absolutely no reason to be jealous of, getting upset with the person I love -and who I know loves me, and diving into my always standing by pity pool party. What a jerk! Grace? Merit? Hardly. I can only ask the question "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?"

I know one thing - if I were God - and obviously it's a good thing I AM...NOT! - I would say - forget her - she can't get her head in the game or her act together. But thank goodness I am not God - because He IS the source of the grace and merit I long for, long to be, long to live into. Even on my worst days - and right now I am feeling like this one ranks right up there, as I have been negative, hurtful, jealous and self-centered - far from grace filled and of merit - yes, even on my worst days -He is willing to forgive me and to give me another chance tomorrow morning. Can I be like that? Can I dig deep down and let the fear that resides in my soul that drives my need for control, attention, and jealousy go? Why do I allow it to hold me hostage? What am I really afraid of. What are any of us afraid of? Being hurt - again? Not being loved? Being alone?

Within the last few months I have noticed a new verse that has started to follow me around...interestingly enough the title of my blog is part of the verse - and although I am sure I have heard it over the years - I didn't draw from it when I was naming the blog.

The blog name came simply - or not as I am finding - from how I wanted to live my life after the events that occurred in my life during 2008-2010. Bold and courageous.

Here is the verse - Joshua 1:9 - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." So this verse has been popping up time after time...this is usually how God works for me...He knows I love a theme and so He works it.

So what happened to the Merit who wanted to be bold/strong and courageous. Did life beat her down? Why do I allow the lies of the Enemy to have control over me? What does this say of my faith in my Savior? After months of theology it says Christ's death on the cross was all for naught if I buy into all this stuff that is sticking to me. I want to take off the Velcro suit.

The crossroads has been building for months now. I truly believe I am standing at the intersection of many different highways. The Velcro will make my path terribly slow and cluttered and sticky...continuing to catch the stuff that flies by, dangerous curves and briers and roadkill. Is this the life I want? Hardly.

I want the Teflon coating - no worrying, no fear, no sticking..because I have a God who, if I chose to trust Him as I know I am called to do, will make my path straight. It won't be without bumps and curves, but it will be a highway with the most magnificent guard rails and safety features you can imagine.

So it seems tonight I am at the precipice of my crossroads. I must choose the highway I am going to follow. I cannot stand in the intersection any longer. My mind, body and spirit have been there long enough. June 1, 2011 is the day.

The God Who Sees Me

It's been awhile since I have written. There are many reasons why I guess...most of which are just life in general. Being a single mom, working full time, going to graduate school full time, doing various activities at my church, and establishing a new relationship...there really isn't time for much else. Even sleep has taken a backseat in life - and trust me it's starting to catch up with me.
I sat through church this morning - sitting in the pew for a change not having "to work" as a Worship Team member. It's a different place for me to be - sitting rather than doing. I guess I am more of a Martha than a Mary most days. As a matter of fact sitting - being still is pretty tough for me to do. As I sat there listening for a change, I found myself crying through the beginning of the sermon. I could blame it on the thick layer of pollen I felt coating my throat and eyes...I could blame it on the words I was hearing from Paul, our pastor, that were slicing through my soul...I could blame it on the grief I have recently been feeling over the events of the past 2 years of my life - divorce, loss of a home I loved, loss of a lifestyle I enjoyed and took for granted, loss of my dear sweet grandmother whom I adored, loss of my precious dad. The list could go on - as for many of us.
At the moment I felt the tears, I chose to blame them on the pain in saw in my amazing daughter's face when she saw two of her best friends sitting together - not having spoken to her or asking her to come sit with them. This has been a year of, as I call it,"girl drama". I have many times gotten frustrated with her over it - figuring she certainly had some part in it and encouraging her to "deal with it". But this morning it was different - it was heart wrenching. And I didn't know what to do to make her feel better - to make the pain go away. It has been on my mind all day.
I came home and after a quick trip to Lowe's to buy some cheer in the form of bright pink and purple plants, I sat down on the couch - still feeling deflated by the events of the morning- the pain for my child, the loss in my life, the discouragement with myself and my seeming lack of direction and focus in life - just a GOOD OLD FASHIONED pity party! I picked up the devotional booklet our church compiles - written by congregation members for the Lenten season. Today's lesson was
Genesis 16:7-14 - when Hagar, the maidservant of Sarah fled to the dessert - distraught over how her "friend" had turned on her and sent her packing after years of loyal service. In the text, God finds Hagar and tells her to hold her chin up and go back to Sarah and that He will bless her. It's sort of a difficult story to wrap your head around - I'll let you read it and decide what you think - but the part that STOOD OUT was that God sees us. That even when we might not have the strength to see HIM, He still sees us.
I remember being around the age of 6 and my mother had done or said something that I didn't like - so I packed my bag and I "ran away". I carried my little blue suitcase down the steps as she vacuumed, not seeing me. I walked out the kitchen door and made it to the cement steps outside the big beautiful farm house where we lived. I'm not sure where he came from, but my dad called me and asked where I was going. I told him I was running away. He tried to talk me out of it - but I had made up my mind. He told me he would miss me terribly, but he understood. So off I went - into the barn where the old yellow tabby cat hung out chasing mice. It was a place I liked to play and get away - so it seemed like a great place to get away from whatever I was running away from that day.
So I was sort of feeling like Hagar today - she was fleeing from it all. I want, on many days to flee from it all - just go somewhere and start all over.Like when I was a child - to run away. But is this what I really want to do? It seems that much like my own father all those decades ago - when he saw me leave and he came after me - that my heavenly Father saw me just that same way today. God sees the pain in my heart - for myself, for my daughter, for my family. And HE will come after me. He will come after me...sometimes quietly in the things I read or the songs I hear. Sometimes He comes not so quietly - in the words from others whom I know love me, the words I read, the songs I hear.
Here is what I know - He does see us. He does love us with a love we can't even begin to imagine. He gives us the strength to go on - to go on boldly and courageously. It is only with Him that I can go on boldly and courageously. Knowing that He has gone before me to set my path, that He is with me on the path - crooked as I often make it. But He sees me. He sees ME! Sometimes that's all we need - to know that we are seen. I hope I can teach my daughter that even when our friends don't seem to see us - God sees us and He loves us.